July 13, 2020:
I’ve been crying a lot the past several days. It feels like I’ve been getting hit with triggers like rapid fire.
My friend Clyde was driving Simas and I to Kona and I received a text from my dad expressing how disappointed he has been with me and my lifestyle. I had sent him a picture of an octopus tattoo I got several months ago, super excited to share it with him and I guess I made the assumption that he would love it. I couldn’t even read the whole message; I put my phone down as soon as I read “disappointment to me”.
I grabbed my stuffed penguin, rolled the window down to watch the sun setting beyond the meadow and I cried like a little girl. I don’t know what it is about having a stuffed animal, but it is 𝘵𝘩𝘦 most healing thing to let it soak up all of your tears…
I’m just tired of trying to blame someone for experiencing sadness in myself, I really am. It genuinely caught me off guard that I got upset, yet again, with one of my family members letting me know I wasn’t up to par in some way.
I notice how much it pains me to hear my friends talk about their cool hippie parents and how they talk to them about everything. I seem to have always desired that kind of connection, making anything less than that out to be terrible…
I find myself hiding away from my family a LOT… avoiding showing my tattoos and my body hair… always traveling, on the road or a long distance hike. The message I receive from my family is if I don’t conform to society then I am a failure… and so, I keep searching for their approval, always leaving them disappointed or feeling disappointed myself from closing off the desires of my heart.
I don’t meet too many people that have a similar experience to mine, but I have a close friend who experiences similar pains with her family. Sometimes she walks away to go lay in her bed and I can hear her bawling her eyes out, feeling so much pain in her heart because her mother doesn’t want to talk to her and I look at her and I see myself. I think to myself, “if only her family could see her in this state, maybe 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 they would understand her better.” Yet, I don’t even know what to tell her because I find myself going through it, too.
Shit’s tough, man. I’ve been told often that I’m the black sheep, meant to show my family how to love again, how to break free from the illusion and the typical “work till you die” lifestyle, but I’m just tired… I just want them to love me in my state, “hippie” life and all.
I just want to road trip with my family and talk about God or just look at the stars and not talk about what my plans are, when I’m going to start a family, make more money, live the “right” life.
Just about a month ago I remember being on the phone with my mother and telling her I was going to go meditate and she snapped, “why can’t you just live a normal life already???” and I felt actually confused… to me, this is normal. Meditating is normal. Taking a walk in the woods to talk to God is normal. Dancing around the fire to release energy is normal.
I was reminded by Simas that I have all the power within myself to stand up strong and be confident in the person I appear to be. He’s right… I do have the courage, yet normally, out of habit, I just cry and play the “poor me” game. I don’t want to do that anymore, I genuinely don’t. I just want to understand. I just want to love them as they are and talk to them, really talk to them, not those “what have you accomplished in life” conversations. I just want to feel okay regardless of the outcome.
I’m coming to a point where I have to accept that my family and I are not close the way I think I want us to be and for some reason that thought makes me want to cry like a baby and cuddle with my stuffed animal for hours. It makes me want to reach for someone or something in the world that will distract me for a moment… But now I breathe, and that’s when I remember how God has always been here… the whole time… it’s just I was pretending that He wasn’t here for all these years. He was, I was just putting up veils and now I am removing them.
God is always with me, even through this, and he is revealing something great to me. He always does, it’s just another trial… a test of faith.
I kept crying and saying, “It hurts. I just want to spend time with them… Just look at the stars and talk about God and not about jobs, starting a family, future plans. I just want to love and feel loved.”
Simas really helped me see through that. He reminded me of my strength and that I have it in my power to stand up for what feels true to me. I have the courage to do that, I’m just more used to following the victim mentality. But I know I can do that, I can at least visualize it.
My mom sent me a message as well, basically expressing how she cried a river last night, and how her organs were in aching pain, and how I was the one that did that to her, and it just felt so intense. But I just kept breathing, and I had trust in God… This is just another trial… Another test of faith.
My dad called me today, probably since I wasn’t responding and I told him my feelings very firmly. I expressed the hurt I was feeling, of him not accepting me. I basically said something like, “Listen, dad… I know that we’re different, I understand that, however, you’re either going to have to learn how to accept me or I’m just going to walk away from you. It’s fine either way, I just don’t want to keep looking to you for approval and having both of us be disappointed. It’s like you wanted me to get a job and then I got one at White Sheep and I was so happy about it and it STILL wasn’t enough for you. I was genuinely happy and you still found stuff to complain about. I just can’t satisfy you. I’m happy, dad. Why can’t that be enough for you if it’s enough for me? If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say it at all, because I just can’t accept your disappointment. If you feel that way, then that’s for you to work through, but it’s also for me to work through accepting you as you are.”
By the end of my spiel, he laughed and said I was just like mom—both stubborn in our own ways. I laughed with him—tears in my eyes… Boy, have I been feeling sensitive lately. But oh, God, did it feel so good to let him know where I stood.
Later at night after having arrived at Molly’s, Simas and I went to look at the stars, and I felt like a child. The stars do that to me. They bring out the deep feeling of innocence and safety in God. I kissed him for the first time in months and we saw a bunch of shooting stars. My eyes welled up in tears and I felt so grateful. I hold those moments so close to my heart. That’s what life is really all about… Not money or future plans… It’s about the now. I also realized, what in the actual fuck is a birthday? Who the heck made up days and months and years? Oh that’s right, it was me. It’s a made up construct to keep myself imprisoned in the idea of time… It’s not real! Imagine if no one knew their age. There would be no pressure to act a certain way at a certain age, or to have certain things accomplished by a certain age. Thank God it’s all an illusion and that time doesn’t really exist.
At the end of the night, Simas and I had sex. It was at Molly’s place in the middle of the night and we were trying so freaking hard to be quiet. I experienced some annoyance with myself because the first week he was here I was making it a point that I could never have sex with him again. I also felt upset because I was literally dripping wet… No one in my life has been so compatible for me sexually; not that I can remember, at least. But, last night was so hot. He came so fast, and then I locked the cum off his body and I remember how delicious he tasted to me. And then, I had an orgasm in the middle of the night, dreaming about having sex with him again.
I’ve been crying a lot the past several days. It feels like I’ve been getting hit with triggers like rapid fire.
My friend Clyde was driving Simas and I to Kona and I received a text from my dad expressing how disappointed he has been with me and my lifestyle. I had sent him a picture of an octopus tattoo I got several months ago, super excited to share it with him and I guess I made the assumption that he would love it. I couldn’t even read the whole message; I put my phone down as soon as I read “disappointment to me”.
I grabbed my stuffed penguin, rolled the window down to watch the sun setting beyond the meadow and I cried like a little girl. I don’t know what it is about having a stuffed animal, but it is 𝘵𝘩𝘦 most healing thing to let it soak up all of your tears…
I’m just tired of trying to blame someone for experiencing sadness in myself, I really am. It genuinely caught me off guard that I got upset, yet again, with one of my family members letting me know I wasn’t up to par in some way.
I notice how much it pains me to hear my friends talk about their cool hippie parents and how they talk to them about everything. I seem to have always desired that kind of connection, making anything less than that out to be terrible…
I find myself hiding away from my family a LOT… avoiding showing my tattoos and my body hair… always traveling, on the road or a long distance hike. The message I receive from my family is if I don’t conform to society then I am a failure… and so, I keep searching for their approval, always leaving them disappointed or feeling disappointed myself from closing off the desires of my heart.
I don’t meet too many people that have a similar experience to mine, but I have a close friend who experiences similar pains with her family. Sometimes she walks away to go lay in her bed and I can hear her bawling her eyes out, feeling so much pain in her heart because her mother doesn’t want to talk to her and I look at her and I see myself. I think to myself, “if only her family could see her in this state, maybe 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 they would understand her better.” Yet, I don’t even know what to tell her because I find myself going through it, too.
Shit’s tough, man. I’ve been told often that I’m the black sheep, meant to show my family how to love again, how to break free from the illusion and the typical “work till you die” lifestyle, but I’m just tired… I just want them to love me in my state, “hippie” life and all.
I just want to road trip with my family and talk about God or just look at the stars and not talk about what my plans are, when I’m going to start a family, make more money, live the “right” life.
Just about a month ago I remember being on the phone with my mother and telling her I was going to go meditate and she snapped, “why can’t you just live a normal life already???” and I felt actually confused… to me, this is normal. Meditating is normal. Taking a walk in the woods to talk to God is normal. Dancing around the fire to release energy is normal.
I was reminded by Simas that I have all the power within myself to stand up strong and be confident in the person I appear to be. He’s right… I do have the courage, yet normally, out of habit, I just cry and play the “poor me” game. I don’t want to do that anymore, I genuinely don’t. I just want to understand. I just want to love them as they are and talk to them, really talk to them, not those “what have you accomplished in life” conversations. I just want to feel okay regardless of the outcome.
I’m coming to a point where I have to accept that my family and I are not close the way I think I want us to be and for some reason that thought makes me want to cry like a baby and cuddle with my stuffed animal for hours. It makes me want to reach for someone or something in the world that will distract me for a moment… But now I breathe, and that’s when I remember how God has always been here… the whole time… it’s just I was pretending that He wasn’t here for all these years. He was, I was just putting up veils and now I am removing them.
God is always with me, even through this, and he is revealing something great to me. He always does, it’s just another trial… a test of faith.
I kept crying and saying, “It hurts. I just want to spend time with them… Just look at the stars and talk about God and not about jobs, starting a family, future plans. I just want to love and feel loved.”
Simas really helped me see through that. He reminded me of my strength and that I have it in my power to stand up for what feels true to me. I have the courage to do that, I’m just more used to following the victim mentality. But I know I can do that, I can at least visualize it.
My mom sent me a message as well, basically expressing how she cried a river last night, and how her organs were in aching pain, and how I was the one that did that to her, and it just felt so intense. But I just kept breathing, and I had trust in God… This is just another trial… Another test of faith.
My dad called me today, probably since I wasn’t responding and I told him my feelings very firmly. I expressed the hurt I was feeling, of him not accepting me. I basically said something like, “Listen, dad… I know that we’re different, I understand that, however, you’re either going to have to learn how to accept me or I’m just going to walk away from you. It’s fine either way, I just don’t want to keep looking to you for approval and having both of us be disappointed. It’s like you wanted me to get a job and then I got one at White Sheep and I was so happy about it and it STILL wasn’t enough for you. I was genuinely happy and you still found stuff to complain about. I just can’t satisfy you. I’m happy, dad. Why can’t that be enough for you if it’s enough for me? If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say it at all, because I just can’t accept your disappointment. If you feel that way, then that’s for you to work through, but it’s also for me to work through accepting you as you are.”
By the end of my spiel, he laughed and said I was just like mom—both stubborn in our own ways. I laughed with him—tears in my eyes… Boy, have I been feeling sensitive lately. But oh, God, did it feel so good to let him know where I stood.
Later at night after having arrived at Molly’s, Simas and I went to look at the stars, and I felt like a child. The stars do that to me. They bring out the deep feeling of innocence and safety in God. I kissed him for the first time in months and we saw a bunch of shooting stars. My eyes welled up in tears and I felt so grateful. I hold those moments so close to my heart. That’s what life is really all about… Not money or future plans… It’s about the now. I also realized, what in the actual fuck is a birthday? Who the heck made up days and months and years? Oh that’s right, it was me. It’s a made up construct to keep myself imprisoned in the idea of time… It’s not real! Imagine if no one knew their age. There would be no pressure to act a certain way at a certain age, or to have certain things accomplished by a certain age. Thank God it’s all an illusion and that time doesn’t really exist.
At the end of the night, Simas and I had sex. It was at Molly’s place in the middle of the night and we were trying so freaking hard to be quiet. I experienced some annoyance with myself because the first week he was here I was making it a point that I could never have sex with him again. I also felt upset because I was literally dripping wet… No one in my life has been so compatible for me sexually; not that I can remember, at least. But, last night was so hot. He came so fast, and then I locked the cum off his body and I remember how delicious he tasted to me. And then, I had an orgasm in the middle of the night, dreaming about having sex with him again.
