I’m listening to Lana’s song “Honeymoon” at Kehena Beach. Life is good. I’ve been getting perceptions of every guy I meet trying to have sex with me, or at the very least, having romantic feelings towards me. There was a recent day on the beach I felt molested by a guy because I accepted a massage from him and I felt like he basically fingered my butt hole. I ended up feeling totally victimized.
I called my dad crying. “Dad! Every guy is trying to have sex with me.”
And he said, “You’re asking for it if you’re prancing around naked on the beach.”
So then I was like I want to talk to Hope. I felt motivated to see through it rather than keep the pattern going.
She met up with me at the Tin Shack yesterday and I felt so triggered because some guy came up to talk to her and ended up sitting with us for an hour. I was livid. Anyways, after he left, Hope and I were alone. I told her I wanted to talk to her about boys and I explained the perception I was getting. I told her how the guy at the beach began to make one sexual comment after another and then he asked if I wanted a massage and Hope smiles and goes, “Aaand you said no.”
“No, I said yes,” and she began cracking up and said, “So, he offered you a sexual energy when the conversation started and you accepted a massage right after that, even though you knew where it was going?”
“Yeah, but that’s where I was getting tripped up because I know it’s all coming from me.”
“Yeah, the whole perception is coming from you, it doesn’t mean you have to play in a certain energy that you don’t want. You were pretending that he wasn’t offering you sexual energy. You were being offered a type of energy right from the start when you could have easily said ‘no thank you’ but you let yourself go there because you said yes to him.”
Something about hearing it from her made the whole situation appear clear and so simple. She reminded me that the sexuality thing is the special task for me. After that she asked if I wanted to hang out with her and I said yes. I said bye to the guy that Hope knew, and I told him how I’m also into cinematography, and he asked for my number so I gave it to him. Shortly after he texted asking if I could be his camera woman and that he would bribe me with lunch. He said he could be my bodyguard.
I showed it to Hope and said, “See, even in a message like this, how can you tell if he’s hitting on me, or if I’m making an assumption.”
She read it and said, “Oh, just ignore that.”
Then she said he’s never acted like that or said anything like that before. She goes, “You know, as for something like that, just be really honest and straightforward. Something like, ‘Yeah, I’d be interested in doing that as long as you’re not trying to get with me sexually/romantically.’”
“I ALWAYS want to be straightforward like that, but then I tell myself I’m making an assumption.”
Hope goes, “It doesn’t matter if you’re making assumptions. It makes everything super clear and shows a person where you stand.”
We went up to Hope‘s place and then we went to a secret beach she showed me between Pohoiki and McKenzie. We were there for hours and it was the first time I saw her as a friend. That morning, I asked God to show me that she’s not an idol, but just like me, and it was revealed. I felt more relaxed and we got naked and she basically shared her whole life story about how she got raped at the age of six. Then she was in a sex cult until about 15 or 16, getting molested by family members. I felt like I was listening to a horror story and she was feeling so lighthearted about it.
She said, “I was 6, teaching a 10-year-old how to have sex for him to teach me math. I was learning third grade math while I was in first grade! He’s probably my age now and remembers me, thinking to himself, Hmm that was weird.”
Like WHAT. I’m just thinking to myself, What do I have to complain about?
But seeing the way she handles all these apparent things shows me for myself that it is possible. Then Hope begins saying how her body looks just like mine, and that she had the same boobs as me, and that it looks like I got a boob job by how they stand. I told her I don’t like my boobs because of how big my nipples are and she goes, “What’s wrong with your nipples? Mine are bigger than yours.”
I mentioned how my friends used to make fun of me for them. Come to think of it, I didn’t think there was anything wrong with my nips until Kamila made fun of them. Then Hope shared with me about the apparent pain she experienced after breast-feeding her daughter and how much she cried after she saw her boobs. To her, that felt like the end of the world.
And I go, “Not finding the perfect man would be the end of the world for me.”
She reminded me that thinking of anyone as ‘the one’ is a set up for failure, no matter if it seems to be working out, for the opposite will be coming.
Then she goes, “I am so happy for you to follow the guidance of God. That is huge, Goda. You’ll be able to see through all of this in no time, and you’re so young!”
“It feels like a long ways away,” I said.
With unhesitating confidence, she goes, “It’s not. Trust me, it’s not.”
I felt that. She even helped me laugh about Akim because sometimes I find myself holding him as an idol. She shared how he was sexual with her, and I go, “Really? Not me. Never me. He was like a father to me.”
And throughout the day that we talked about him, she laughed, and said, “Really? Never, Goda?”
And I shared some moments where, yes, I felt he was coming onto me sexually and then she joked, “Yeah, I felt safe around him, minus the moments he was molesting me!”
And we busted out laughing and I said, “Damn, that’s nice. It’s nice to just laugh about what’s apparently happening.”
And now, a guy came up to me and asked if he could sit next to me in the sand. I’m deciphering what kind of energy I want to be around because the two guys before that seemed very pushy. I wanted to be alone in the morning and meditate, however it seems like they kept interrupting me even when I was meditating. The guy, however, was very warm. He could feel I wanted my space yet joined me. We had a connection and he was so inviting, but not intrusive.
I had a flashback down memory lane of when I talked to Akim and he held my hand. I actually felt nervous because I haven’t touched or been with a guy, in what I find is a long time. MONTHS. Then he massaged me, but I felt so safe compared to how the other guy massaged me. This guy wrapped himself up and massaged me from the top of my head and went down my back rather than mounting me.
Then he asked if I would be open to snuggling and twice I denied him, but then I said, “Screw it, come cuddle with me.”
He let me be the big spoon. I was breathing so fast ha ha! I felt like a freaking virgin. Then he spooned me, then we cuddled on our backs and I began gently touching his skin as he was gliding his fingers along mine, and I quickly flashbacked to meeting Ivan for the first time and doing the same thing. I felt like there was no space between those years… as if I experienced that moment just a few days ago. I looked into his eyes and all I saw was lust, but that’s all I was feeling. I felt like a teenager, all giggles about a boy.
