Yesterday, I met up with a pastor and all we did was talk about Jesus. I feel like she reminded me of a lot of things, such as having faith in God, not in the worldly things. To have faith in His love for me, and that He is with me always. I don’t need to be afraid, for He holds my hand while I perceive nightmares. I cried so much with her. I felt like I had the space to experience my emotions through her. I felt grateful for her presence and for God’s words to speak through her and for me to feel. God is holding my hand throughout the journey.
Today, I went to two different markets, morning through night, only to sell nothing. I felt like I was in uncontrollable tears and found myself leaving my booth for up to 30 minutes at a time to try to cry it out and have a conversation with God. I wanted to have a new interpretation of this apparent difficulty, but it seemed like I was leaning more towards the ego throughout the day. I had angels surrounding me, but it felt like I was clouded with attacking thoughts. I felt a huge lack mentality that I spent over $100 dollars in the past couple of days just for getting a table to sell my items. Throughout the moments of heavy crying, I felt friends constantly supporting me, trying so hard to find the right words to help me feel better, but it seemed to go unnoticed when they would compliment my work and then buy from the vendors beside me, instead. I made the correlation that it didn’t spark interest in them, therefore I felt unworthy.
One of the Hawaiian girls came up to me who was a manager of the market and gave me a long pep talk. She talked about trust and to not worry because this is just an apparent bump in the road. She gave me the table for free for the night, as long as I come back next week and try again. She gave me loving advice on how to sell and talk to people with confidence. She gave me a long hug and gave me a note that she had written for me. A Hawaiian word for patience. As soon as I read it, I soaked in the healing message and felt gratitude. Mahalo sister.
The note read:
HO’OMANAWANUI: To have patience.
PATIENCE IS TRULY A VIRTUE!
As I walked to my car, I felt a peace in my heart and an inner smile for simply being on sacred land and feeling as if I am safe and taken care of all ways. I have abundance, but I seem to cover it up with veils from time to time. I have friends who love me. I live on an island surrounded by lava and jungle. I GET to create art. That’s the true abundance, isn’t it? Having the inspiration to simply create sacred art. All I can continue to do is observe what’s apparently occurring while knowing God is holding my hand through it all… to be gentle with myself and the feelings that arise… deep breaths and having faith in what is true.