Yesterday, I hung out with Akim and he took me to the warm ponds. It felt just like old times where we would just jump into philosophical questions and talk for hours. At the pond he floated me in the water for a good hour. I felt like I was floating in the Universe or breathing underwater! It felt very similar to the flotation tanks in Chicago.
Later, we sat on the bench at Pohoiki. He has a guru voice when he’s speaking through the Universe. I spoke about my relationship with Ivan and told him I’ve been getting triggered less. I said how I was a lot quicker at reflecting and letting go, but I still reacted from big triggers.
I told him what triggers me and how the thoughts “I’m not good enough” kept coming up. He talked about feeling the feeling, not resisting the feeling. He asked me to feel the feeling and speak it.
So I said, “I’m not good enough.”
He smiled and said, “Good.”
I continued, “I’m not good enough…”
“Good!”
And I begin laughing with him. “I’m not good enough!”
And for those few seconds it all felt very humorous. Next, he did something else. He made a comment saying that Ivan finds some girls attractive and that feeling of dread came up again.
I scooted super close to him, perched my head on his shoulder and asked, “Why does the thought trigger me so much?”
He asked, “What thought?”
I said, “The thought that Ivan could be attracted to other women.”
And he so kindly smiled and said, “Okay, let’s talk about this!”
And here’s how it went:
A: What does that make you feel like?
G: Like I’m not good enough.
A: Then what?
G: Then I become sad.
A: Then what?
G: I don’t know… I’ll probably cry.
A: Then what?
G: Then I either get depressed or I get over it.
A: Okay, let’s say you don’t get over it… Then what?
G: Then, I probably commit suicide and die.
A: Aha! Do you see? All fear leads to death. That is everyone’s greatest fear. That your guy will look at another girl and that will lead you to commit suicide or die.
G: But I’m not scared of dying.
A: So you think.
That was a wonderful way to show me where my mind was going. It all leads to death!
Then we talked a lot about psychology and he shared a story about an experiment that was done at a school. They pulled out 10 students and asked them to only step on the black tiles. When classes were over and everyone got out, they noticed kids following/copying what they were doing! When one of the girls got down to the end of the highway, one of the experiment guys asked her why she was only stepping on the black tiles.
She said, “Because everybody else was doing it!”
They proceeded to tell her it was an experiment and she goes, “Oh fuck! Did I just get brainwashed?”
Akim says, “This just shows how vulnerable us humans are to getting brainwashed.”
I asked, “Why is it so easy to be brainwashed, but so difficult to unbrainwash yourself?”
Akim told me a beautiful quote by Mark Twain:
“It’s easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled.”
I really liked hearing that black tile experiment because Akim kept using it on me yesterday. I told him I’ve also been feeling insecure because I’ve been feeling much more shy lately, and that’s another sense of not feeling good enough because I assume that only confident and outgoing people are happy, therefore I can’t be happy sometimes.
Akim goes, “You’re stepping on black tiles.”
Then, I told him how I started eating meat again, and how I actually feel hornier and how I feel a nice sort of buzz. Then I laughed about how strong my belief about veganism was.
He says, “Black tiles.”
He brought up the black tiles around five times and I noticed how quickly my mind dropped it.
Then he shared another experiment with me where there were 10 monkeys in a room, and there was a ladder in the middle with a banana hanging from a string. Eventually, one monkey would go up the ladder and grab the banana and all the other monkeys would get sprayed with water, and that monkey would be taken out while a new monkey would be put in. Eventually, what would happen is the monkeys would start fighting one another, not letting them go up the ladder, until eventually one died. So the cycle kept going until the room was only new monkeys, and those monkeys would all be fighting with each other not letting anyone go up the ladder, even though they didn’t know why.
Akim goes, “That’s similar with you and your jealousy. You’re continuing to fight this battle, and for what? Why? You don’t even know why you’re fighting.”
That put things into perspective.
Then we talked about weight and I opened up to him about how I don’t like my belly because I feel chubby. He talked about his situation and told me how he gained weight and is keeping it on on purpose to witness any judgment he feels from other people, and to see that none of it is true. None of it matters and none of it is real. He is a hero. I am so grateful for Akim. I felt like it was my first time meeting him again. I absorbed every single moment.