I opened up to Olivija about my insecurities and how I was feeling intimidated by Tacy. I told her how she’s a reflection of my 17 to 18 year old self and how she’s doing certain things to get a guy subconsciously attracted to her. For instance, leaning her ass in front of Ivan while painting a mandala in the community kitchen. I told Olivija how it’s painful to take because my old self sometimes wants to get back at her and just walk around naked in front of her guy while seductively slurring my words and making sexual implications. Instead, I decided to sit with my emotions and feel what I’m feeling. I told her how I communicated everything to Ivan and how he says all the right things on the surface but something just feels off.
An hour passed and I came home, cuddled with Ivan on the couch, and he mentioned how Tacy helped him work, and just a mention of her name brought me to tears. I asked if we could just walk to the mailboxes to pick up the mail and as we walked, he told me Tacy bought him lunch. I shut down and he felt it.
Not so jokingly I said, “Oh, so she bought you lunch?”
And he put me in the same scenario and walked me through it and finished it off with, “So would you buy them lunch or just let them starve?”
It pissed me off because it’s her stripper money and she was acting like a sugar mama. We stopped talking for two minutes as we walked and it felt so FUCKING long.
I stopped, held up the key for the mailbox and said, “I’m gonna go back home.”
And as I was handing him the keys, he pushed me and yelled, “FUCK YOU! NO! FUCK YOU! You’re going to come with me and communicate your fucking feelings, not just STOP talking!”
I was in pure shock.
Who is this guy?
Where is my sweet love, Ivan?
He scared the shit out of me.
He kept walking and yelled, “Come here right now!”
I was shaking yet my body actually started walking towards him. I forced myself to stop like a small little confused puppy as he yelled, “Get out of your head with your dreams about Tacy! You don’t see me talking about Buzz!”
I fell to the dirt and started hyperventilating to the point where I could barely catch a breath. I have never cried this hard in my life. I was holding my stomach, my heart and throat. He asked me to please move off the road, but I couldn’t even find it in myself to stand up. The past day, especially today, I asked God to please show me what I was not seeing… please show me, God.
Please show me.
Please show me.
Please help me see.
And I felt this was it. I eventually sat on a different patch of dirt and continued to hyperventilate. It hurt. It hurt my heart. He asked me to talk and here’s what I said, barely able to speak.
“You said I need to communicate with you. I tell you EVERYTHING running through my GODDAMN mind. Every thought. Every feeling. Everything. I am giving up on life. I’m giving up on myself.”
I talked about Tacy and explained, “When I look at an identical version of who I used to be I become scared. It’s her I don’t trust. The way she acts and talks and moves or ways she’s subconsciously trying to get every guy’s attention–I know because it takes one to know one. And I feel lost and stuck–fucking introverted because I don’t want to choose the same pattern I’ve been choosing for years. THAT’S why I feel stuck. Because I don’t know what step to take next. And I am scared because I stole guys with that attitude and it worked every fucking time. I broke up relationships and could give two shits about what the other person was feeling. It didn’t phase me and it’s all boomeranging back to me.
Then Ivan suggested talking to Tacy.
I said, “I can’t because I was in the same boat and girls would come up to me telling me they were hurt by me trying to steal her man and instead I felt more powerful from their insecurities and jealousy. It had an opposite reaction and I experienced zero empathy.”
I was brutally honest with him to the point that I began to feel shameful for the person I once was.
He apologized a few times for pushing me and yelling at me. I told him there was no need to apologize because I deserved it. That pain I felt from him was a projection of the battle that has been going through my head. That’s all it was. The dream in my mind being played out on the so-called physical plane. I realized I didn’t need to suffer from a victim mentality and to rather see it for what it was-my own mind. I am whole. I am healed.