A magical thing just happened. My mom just called me as I was thinking about her. She started the same questions as she usually does.
“What do you do there? How do you make money?”
I explained to her that I’m comfortable with where I’m at right now and I’m not worried about making money. I explained to her how Cinderland works and once again, she asked, “How can you live like that? You’re happy?”
She would start getting defensive, and then a miracle occurred. I took a deep breath.
“Mom,” I said, “I’m happy here. I am safe. I think about you often and I love you.”
And you know what she did? She laughed and said, “Okay.”
It was like a laugh of relief and happiness. I am grateful I got to hear such a beautiful sound.
I talked to Akim as I was walking to Four Corners. I told him how I’ve been feeling emotionally unbalanced, how I couldn’t wrap my head around what I’ve been feeling or what I want. He has such a way of re-centering me. I don’t know how he does it. He brings me back to the truth.
“Meditate,” he said, “especially when you begin to feel down so you can gather yourself. “It would be really helpful to stabilize yourself.”
We talked a lot about Ivan.
He said, “You know, you seem to talk about Ivan in ways that don’t really show him as you would like him to be. You should sit down and question your relationship and see what answers come up.”
Then I told him something that I never told anyone or even wrote about.
I said, “You know, it’s interesting. I’ve questioned my relationship with him often and a part of me is scared to leave him. Another part of it is people always saying stuff like ‘hold onto the good ones because you won’t find them later’ or ‘you’re so lucky you found your guy at such a young age’ and it makes me second-guess everything. Then I think maybe I’m the irrational one.”
A part of me really is scared to let go.
I find it interesting how I have a guy that writes me cute little notes, says the words I want to hear, compromises, changes himself, just to make me happier, and yet, that in itself is an illusion. Funny, the way it is. None of that can actually make you happier. Once again, it is from within. I told Akim I noticed that the deeper I dive with Ivan, the more feelings of jealousy, possessiveness and attachment begin to surface, and THAT is not love.
I told him how often I find myself trying to be alone. Every time I feel negative emotions, and every time I experience fear, I say stuff such as, “I want to be alone” or “I need some time.” Then I’ll go on a walk and bring my diary along with my music. The longer I’m with myself, the more sane I feel. Maybe I’m meant to be alone…
What if no one is ever good enough?
What if I were to get into a new relationship and then later on I would want something ‘better’ down the line?
It’s a never ending quest.
I laughed at myself and said, “I don’t know what I want, Akim.”
With a smile, he said, “Well, sit with yourself long enough and maybe you’ll figure it out.”
Then I brought up the transition I felt I’ve been going through.
I said, “It feels weird to observe the ways I’ve been trying to seek attention and to let it go. I feel as if I’ve been entering unknown territory now that I’m not looking for my worth in the eyes of others. It’s odd, and you know what’s even MORE odd? That I’ve been crying at least once a day. Something will frustrate me just a little and I’ll cry. There are times when things really don’t upset me that much, but I’ll make myself cry anyways, because of the attention I get–”
I stopped myself and realized what I just said. The Universe spoke through me. It said the word “attention” so I could look closer. I realized that I like getting attention through other people’s sympathy. It’s like I said, sometimes I will make myself cry just for the comfort of having someone hold and caress me, show me they care.
He says, “You better stop that because that’s how diseases are formed.”
It’s true, sooner or later, I would begin to attract diseases so people could sympathize with me. So crazy how that realization came out of nowhere–through my own words–but it didn’t even feel like me speaking. Now, I am grateful that I can learn through this experience.
After I got off the phone with Akim, I got picked up hitchhiking. I was planning on going to Pohoiki and this dude pulled over and asked, “Do you want to go to a hot tub party?”
And I said, “Fuck yeah I do!”
So I decided to join him on his adventure, instead. We got to his place and I helped chop up some turmeric and ginger for tea, then I met a beautiful cat whom I chilled with. He laid on my lap, but I wanted to go read in the hammock, so I put the kitty on top of my book as if I was carrying him on a platter and brought him into the hammock with me.
When it got dark more people started coming and I felt an energy pulling me towards the hot tub so I went. There was one person in there. As I was stepping in, it looked like I was entering a black hole. All I could do was thank the Universe for this beautiful gift I had received–to be under the stars in a giant wooden tub filled with hot water. It had the scent of a sauna, reminding me of my old house.
The guy’s name was Magnus.
He asked, “So what have you been praying for lately?”
I smiled, stayed silent for a bit to thank the Universe for being able to live in a place where I could have conversations with people about things that help each other grow.
I said, “Lightheartedness has been a big one, along with authenticity.”
I asked him what he was praying for and he said, “To be able to really feel love for my partner, to really embrace that unconditional love.”
He told me how he shared space with love for another woman, that they just held each other and shared cuddles. He called his partner and talked about it and communicated that he didn’t go past any boundaries that they talked about. She communicated what she was feeling and then after a bit she said she wanted to end the conversation. After that, instead of resisting/arguing, he accepted.
I said, “Wow, that’s how it is SUPPOSED to be. Communication.” So then I asked, “How do you not experience insecurity or jealousy in those situations? I was there before, I simply am trying to remember again.”
He so calmly moaned, “Mmm, fear. Here’s how I look at it. There are the five fires that you can choose to step into, to feel and understand that you are now choosing to sit in it, to experience it, or you can choose to watch yourself, sit in it– observe. But remember, you have the choice to step out of it whenever you feel. You can always choose.”
Then he asked, “What do you carry in your basket as you go along this journey?”
The first thing that came to mind was A Course in Miracles. He told me he’s read a lot of things from the Course and then we talked about marijuana. He introduced me to a thing called CBD oil. It is where you get the entire effect of marijuana without the high, which is exactly what I’ve wanted. I was just so grateful to have met Magnus.
After that experience, I calmly trusted my intuition that it was time to head out, and so I began to hitch back home. I walked down a mile or two in the dark on the red road, and I was super proud of myself for remaining calm and having a positive mindset. I noticed that thoughts of fear would arise. I didn’t attach to them, just noticed them for what they were–just thoughts.
I ended up having a beautiful journey. Icaro pulled over but he was going towards Kalapana.
“Do you need a knife?” he asked.
I laughed and said, “No.”
Then, I ended up seeing a cool ass centipede and heard the ocean waves. Eventually, I got picked up by the same person that dropped me off. We drove with the headlights off for shits and gigs and he dropped me off near Cinder road. I danced as I walked home, thanking the Universe for the adventure and for getting me back home safely. I felt like I took a breath of life today.