We woke up to the wind ripping a tent stake out of the ground as we were about to get freaky.
“I don’t know why you’re laughing!” he yelled, “you’re under the tarp, too!”
I gave him the benefit of the doubt, telling myself he must’ve meant it in a playful way so I wouldn’t get upset the rest of the trip.
I packed up and started earlier so I could get up the pass at my own pace and so he wouldn’t have to hear me huffing and puffing. I got lost about an hour in so he said we couldn’t separate anymore.
Eventually the road walk turned into a trail, a bit rocky but I wasn’t complaining because it was an actual path that brought us up and over the saddle smoothly. We took a break amongst some piñon pine trees sitting next to some scattered cow shit while Elbio ate summer sausage wrapped in a tortilla and I ate some Pringles.
Elbio looked up to the sky. “One thing I look out for on trail is birds. Birds of prey especially.”
“That’s how I know you’re in your thirties,” I teased, not taking much interest into the creatures.
We continued on. He would pick a point then follow a faint trail.
“In the end,” he said, “route finding is all just intuitive and finding what looks like the easiest way.”
We stopped at Mudhole Spring and got some ice cold water from the spigot. It was so delightful that we decided to spend some extra time there while we replenished ourselves. We were surrounded by aspen trees, bright green and golden, starting to turn into a fiery shade of orange. We saw a couple of horsies, one of which was limping.
“Do you believe in unicorns?” I asked.
“No because that’s not real,” he said. “Are you talking about the perfect pair of shoes because that doesn’t exist, either.”
He was cool and all but he didn’t believe in magic the same way that I did. Especially when we got to talking about romantic relationships, it seemed we clashed quite strongly.
He said, “In this day and age you almost have to accept that your partner isn’t going to be entirely faithful.”
“Yeah fuck that,” I said. “I’ve broken up with dudes over checking out other girls while we’re together.”
He scoffed. “That’s ridiculous!“
“Is what it is.”
“What happened to for better or for worse?”
That wasn’t an excuse to be unfaithful and disrespectful to your partner. “I know what my heart wants.” And I knew what I deserved.
Today, as usual, the route felt out of my element. Always seemed to be the case when dealing with the Hayduke. Descending into West End Canyon was dense with boulders. I had to drop my pack once, throwing it onto a soft patch of dirt and taking a healthy jump down. Numerous times we had to rock climb, using our hands and feet to balance between slabs of rocks. It reminded me of Mahoosuc Notch except dry.
“Don’t forget to use your fourth point of contact,” he said. “Fourth being your butt.”
It was a very intuitive thing watching him. I saw how he had this confidence with where he jumped or stepped. At first I couldn’t keep up with him, often tripping over rocks and getting whipped by branches. Eventually I got the memo to slow down when I fell ass first onto some dirt trying to descend followed by slamming my knee directly into a large rock causing it to bleed.
In the moments I became apprehensive, he would be very calm in his demeanor and not give in to my overthinking. He would say, “It’s okay, just take it slow.” Then, he would patiently walk me through the process of how to maneuver down, giving me breathing techniques to help calm anxiety.
“It’s important to not get too much into your own head,” he said, “because that’s when you slip or fuck up.” It was a fine line between being stupid and challenging yourself.
He didn’t seem scared of the Hayduke, not the way that I was. We got to talking about his time in the army.
“I feel thats why I’m not scared of this stuff,” he said, “because I’ve seen the brutality of death and killing.”
I genuinely loved the adventure-packed challenge of the Hayduke. Although I cried and my patience was tested every moment I went out, it didn’t mean I didn’t love it. The tears and sweat were just what occurred naturally to me. I was an emotional being and it was simply how I expressed myself. It didn’t mean I would stay out of the canyons because of it.
We cowboy camped at the confluence of Monday Canyon and Rogers Canyon. He said I did great today, taking notice that I didn’t complain. I mean, there were moments I wanted to say, “this is hard, I’m tired, it’s too hot,” but I knew that complaining never got me anywhere nor did it change the situation I found myself in.
We took our socks off to let our feet breathe. We had tan lines, Elbio especially. I loved seeing us covered in dirt and sand, my happiest place. He nicknamed me Fuzzy Wuzzy for the natural hair look I had going on. We cuddled momentarily and I felt grateful to be out on trail again, my heart felt so full it was on the verge of exploding from my chest.