The last day in Iceland, the designers had a chance to showcase/sell our items in a store in the center of Reykjavík. Then we decided to have a fashion show in the middle of the rainbow street. Afterwards, we got invited to go to the ice bar which had artwork made by a Lithuanian artist!
Monday was my flight to Chicago so I walked to the bus terminal to catch an easy lift to the airport. I saw a guy that looked identical to Voodoo walking just in front of me. I stared for the longest time as I was nearly convinced it was him. I wondered when I would stop seeing him everywhere.
He called me from a no caller ID as I was in the middle of going through security. He has been calling quite often but I happened to not be around my phone or on airplane mode when he reached out. This time I was on the other line with my father and hung up on him as soon as I saw the no caller ID show up. It was as if I was in need of a hit. I answered and immediately could tell the call was accidental. V was driving somewhere and conversing with a guy whose voice I could not make out. But I knew it was Voodoo right away, especially with all of the curse words.
My entire body began to shake. I became heated and flushed. The worst part was that I couldn’t find it in me to hang up. Instead, I stayed on the phone, smiling and listening to words and noises I couldn’t make out. I closed my eyes and breathed in his energy as though he were right next to me. That is how I remembered him anyways—distant and not really there. It felt safe and familiar.
As I was going through airport security, I didn’t want to let go of the phone. I put my phone through the belt and when it came out the other side, before I even put my shoes and belongings back on, I placed the phone up to my ear to make sure he was still there.
Then, “Hello?”
My heart stopped. I swallowed my nervousness. “Hello?”
“Oh! I didn’t mean to call you,” he said. “Do you know who this is?”
“Of course,” I said. How could I not. His voice made me weak and I could spot it out out of millions of people.
“It’s nice to hear your voice,” he said.
“Mm,” I said, swallowing everything I wanted to say.
“Unblock my number, why don’t ya?”
I smiled. “You know I can’t do that,” I said.
“Why? You have another boyfriend?”
“No, I don’t date.”
“I know you don’t, that’s why I asked.”
“I have to go, I’m boarding a flight.”
“Where are you going?”
“Flying from Iceland, then soon to Colorado.”
I wanted him to ask about my life, to see how well I was doing after I left him, but only God knows the emotional turmoil and disassociation I’ve been experiencing since my departure. He has such a hold over my mind. I hate it so much that his voice can make me smile as if he just gave me the world. He could say the most awful things to me, the most horrid and puncturing words and I’ll treat him like a king because of it.
I prayed to myself that when he were to call again, as he always would, for me to not be available. He paralyzes me and he knows it. I don’t have the strength to deny him. I don’t think I ever will. I wonder if he actually loved me, if he actually gave me the attention I needed if I would still feel this way towards him. It seemed loving me in a healthy way was the easiest way to scare me off.
