Jayson let me out early to get sufficient rest since tomorrow would be a busy day. The first thing I did was throw on my hiking attire and decide I wanted to hike every trail I could before it got dark. Jayson laughed at me when I got off work one minute and the next I had my trekking poles in hand.
“I’ll be fine,” I said.
“I can’t tell you what to do on your off hours,” he joked.
It was a small hike in comparison to what I knew. I went to the Upper Falls, then figured I could knock out both routes of the Yellowlegs trails. This time, they were both extremely challenging for me to follow. I really love to challenge myself, hence why I love being alone for that very reason because I get super focused. Yet, when I am on my moon, I don’t think it’s the smartest thing for me to hike through the backcountry. I get very sporadic and lose focus. It’s as if I go into La La Land and my mind gets all spinny. I feel more tempted to go off the beaten track and get distracted, then my surroundings get suddenly all turned around for me.
On the bright side, my knee felt a lot better. I was hopping and jumping more than usual, even using that leg to climb over down trees. During my walk, I thought about what Žydrūnas said. I had called him a couple of days ago and expressed how restless I felt that I was unable to go travel due to the ACL injury. He reminded me that I needed to be in appreciation for it, that it was not personal in the way it appeared to unfold and that Higher Spirits were looking out for me in ways in which I could not see.
As I was approaching the Upper Falls, I pondered on my business, romantic relationships, all the things I felt were a big struggle. Gosh, even writing my book has been way harder and more time-consuming than I ever imagined, yet I still showed up several hours every single day. I had zero inspiration to use AI, even though I knew it would make things way easier. I wasn’t inspired to use that tool for a reason and I had to trust that.
Just for fun, I thought to myself, What if I am being made to have the perception of working super hard and not being handed all of these things so easily because the Holy Spirit knows I wouldn’t appreciate it as much otherwise. My mind works in that way that I enjoy the challenges and hardships because it really does make me appreciate what it took to apparently get there.
I feel that’s why I’m so drawn to thru-hiking and getting the remote views that are only reached on foot by dedication and drive. All the places I had driven to by road were not nearly as impactful as walking there and cursing my way up the terrain.
I know I am experiencing a plateau with my business and relationships even though I’m working more than ever before, but I keep getting this big nudge, this feeling sense that it will all be worth it.
Just you wait, a small voice tells me.
On my walk down from the trails, I called my mom to catch up and she got triggered when I told her I was walking through the woods. She made a comment, yet again, on how “normal people find one place to live and settle down there. You chose to walk through random woods.” I reminded myself that her words were not personal and that she was just worried that I lived a possibly unstable lifestyle with no promising future.
I feel often that, not just family, but society in general, attempts to tame and mold people like me. It’s like they see free spiritedness and want to crush it. They want to keep the energy manageable so as not to cause any waves, almost as if getting me to join them in their misery so that they don’t feel so alone in it. The thing is, my enjoyment comes from stepping out of the box and society’s norms.
The last thing I wanted to do before I left in September was to hike the Excursion Ridge Trail. From what I heard, it was very challenging but I figured I’d be ready to do it near the end of August or the beginning of September. However, when I came back to the lodge and checkEd my schedule I noticed I had no more days off.
When I brought it up to Mallory, she seemed to get upset and said, “I didn’t give you any more days off until the season ends because you had taken a day off when you weren’t supposed to.”
I was shocked as that was the only day I called off and it was because I physically could not stand up because of how intense my period was. I was prone to fainting from heat flashes. I felt under appreciated again. When I brought up all of the days I stepped into work when I was off, when I stayed overtime and even worked doubles, she said that did not matter to her because she needed me when she needed me. I had a deeper wake up call of ‘holy shit, I don’t think I can ever work for people again.’ It was a big recognition that I was just a body to these people to get their stuff done, nothing else.
