I feel pretty shitty today mentally. I seem to have been following thoughts for several hours telling me I fucked up. Apparently a group of lodgies went to Moose Lane last night and made a comment to the owners that I’d be working there. The owner said that I wasn’t and there was never any kind of agreement about that. All that really occurred was I spoke to his wife, Mallory, over the phone and she seemed super interested in meeting me. I’m not going to lie, I made it sound like I got the job when in reality I was only getting an interview. Intuitively, I can feel I will get the position, though. It is clear as day. But when I spoke about it to other people, I was very vague, other than to Axle. As usual, word spread in Brown Town I got hired there, quit here, and that I’d be leaving soon. Now I feel like a dick that things got misinterpreted. Reminding myself the energy is passing and trying to remain gentle with myself while doing so.

On a side note, I’m very grateful for how kind Axle has been with my sudden change of mind. I really wished we could’ve gotten to know each other better, even to have just taken a day off to go on a hike. It would’ve been good for both of us, but he said he would most likely not have the time. Even his tramily made comments about “missing their friend, not this workaholic version of him.”

I’ve been on both sides, so I understand it’s hard to snap out of a work mentality especially when you’re in the flow state and people are apparently expecting things out of you. When you feel people rely on you, you feel this pressure that “things need to get done” and “money needs to be made” but none of it is actually true. I’m grateful I recognized early on in my life that it’s all a bullshit path leading to nowhere if it means you lose sight of the true purpose here.

Now, I arrived at an event that Dubu had invited me to, however he, himself, did not show up. I didn’t mind, if anything I was excited for more alone time. I don’t even know what the event was celebrating but it seemed high energy and family oriented. First thing I did was head straight to the food section and grabbed a couple slices of homemade sourdough bread topped with rosemary herbs. Then, I found a spot in the dirt and sat down to journal.

God, I love Alaska and the people that reside here. They are similar to those in Hawaii. There is a live band playing, road trip themes, almost hillbilly kine music. People are walking barefoot, little kids are playing, couples are swing dancing. The teenagers have a volleyball game going, the garden is blossoming, the chickens are curiously watching through the fence. The bonfire is going, the potluck is demolished and now they’re singing about running naked through the grass and expressing our inner spirits. Everyone is laughing. Life is simple. I’m glad I came, even if only for a few moments. Apparently Gustavus used to be called Strawberry Point. Next, they’re going to sing a song titled “Summertime at Strawberry Point.” I think I’m going to start walking the dirt road out of here and let the melody of the music fade behind me.

*Few hours later*

I probably walked around 5 miles. I enjoyed the way the sun was setting on the dandelions. I went to pee near a bush and spotted some rain droplets on a lupine leaf, tucked perfectly into a teardrop shape in the center just above the stem. It made my heart sing. I found black slugs all over the side of the road—apparently they’re cannibalistic, Dubu had told me. He also told me it’s not mandatory to carry bear spray in Alaska when you go hiking. He got a kick out of it when I told him it was necessary on a good chunk of the CDT. I didn’t mind carrying one when I did, plus it looked cool.

I hitched a ride for the first time since being here. The person who picked me up happened to be Mandy out of all people. It felt good to see her, I always liked her energy. She dropped me off in Brown Town and I made a stop at the EDR. Hook was there and he gave me an affectionate hug. It was our first physical contact with one another, pretty sure he was drunk. I was starting to get all excited thinking he finally let his guard down around me. That was until he asked me how to say, “I want to open an umbrella up your ass” in Lithuanian.

Obviously, I laughed then told him how to say it. He kept repeating and stumbling over the word “išsiskleisk” which meant “to open up.”

Then he says, “Your boy Mason is coming.”

I got all smiley and acted extra excited. I didn’t care all that much, I just liked making out with him in front of people.

I went back to my room, stoked to see Georgina when I opened the door. I ate some room chips (a large bag of chips we had in the room to share) then she asked if I ate dinner.

“No,” I said. “Wanna go?”

“I don’t really feel like hanging out at the EDR but I’m down to get an ice cream cone from there.”

“Cool beans.”

We walked over. Mason was there now.

“Well well well,” he said.

God, I loved when he studied me in a way that suggested he would stick his cock down my throat wherever we were. Wished he actually would. I loved to perform. I pulled away from his grabby hands even though he looked so fuckable in his all black get up.

I looked over at him as I was walking back with Georgina. “Two minutes!” I shouted.

“Mm, two minutes,” he hollered, “that’s all you need? Come with me, I’ll take you for more than two minutes.”

I looked over at Georgina licking her ice cream cone. She told me to go for it, not taking it personally that I wanted to make out with him rather than hang out with her at that moment.

“He’s way hotter in person,” she said.

“I know,” I said, “God, I love being a whore.”

I ran back, pulled him in, tugging teasingly at his dick. Closer now, the scent of his beard traced with beer and cigarettes became intoxicating. Hook and Barry busted out laughing, telling us to get a room. Last thing I wanted was to hide where I could instead be getting fucked in front of people whom I also wanted to fuck.

“K, I’m going to bed,” I said, knowing it was already 9:30.

“You always say that,” he said.

“And I always mean it,” I said.

I take my sleep quite seriously. Since I was a child, even if I had friends over, the moment 9 pm hit, I would go to bed. Now, I’m the type that will pay to take zero days in hotel rooms just to catch up on sleep when I’m on a thru-hike. Plus, I didn’t really want to go on a drive with Mason. He drove too slow and talked too much. I kissed him one more time then ran back to my room like a teenage girl. He proceeded to send a variety of messages, telling me to make my way over to him. He wrote come “hear” instead of “here” and “your” instead of “you’re.” It was one out of many mistakes he made in the texts. The other stuff I couldn’t even make out what he was trying to say.

“I can’t believe I’m fucking illiterate alcoholics,” I said out loud.

As usual, Georgina and I stayed up talking all night and would regret it in the morning. I loved our long girl talks that had become a theme for our every night. I felt comfortable telling her about anything of my past. I would tell her about my family life and the types of trials I experienced, especially when she appeared confused over certain behaviors I carried. In our conversations, I would randomly slip in traumatic events that had to do with the story, things that appeared normal to me but flat out ‘not okay’ to her. This time I had spoken about something that happened in my childhood that I made peace with.

She blinked, stunned at how I could brush off something as rape/molestation and let people off the hook so easily. “I’m just realizing that you had 30 years of bullshit whereas I just had a little bit of a bad day and labeled it as depression,” she said.

With where I’m at now in my life, it is clear to me that we are only given what we can handle. No specific illusion is greater than another. One person’s ‘problems’ are not less or more valid than another’s. Make it all the same. I’ve had so many experiences of being apparently raped/molested/abused that it’s really not a big deal to me. It’s also not interpreted in a way that’s serious to me because I know that person or event is coming out of my own mind. I believed thoughts of unworthiness and so the world gave evidence that what I believed was true.

That’s not to say I am actively wanting more of the same. It’s just I came to the understanding that those people were in deep mental pain and that was the expression that manifested. I also recognized that to not let the person off the hook and cast judgments on them only hurt me. Looking back now, I can see how I was able to handle the situations whereas another person probably couldn’t even bear to listen to the words of what apparently happened. We all have specific triggers that bring the emotional pain to the surface. I am grateful that I came to find beauty and eventually laughter through the so-called traumatic events. That’s what the experiences teach us—that it’s all for play and that none of it even happened in the first place.

I think Georgina is the hardest person for me to say goodbye to. I really adored having her as my roommate. I enjoyed her space, nonchalant persona and of course how much we laughed, however, something tells me my new roommates will be quiet and welcoming. I have this gut feeling telling me I will be very well taken care of.