When I was walking back from my lunch break today, I heard a man’s voice yell, “Hey girl! Want some candy?”
I didn’t quite know who it was because the person was hiding in the bushes, but I said yes then ran towards the voice. It was Mason! We made out, then he started groping me as per usual. Suddenly, two of the construction workers turned around and caught us in the act.
“Ope!” Mason cautioned as he hid in the bushes. “That’s my boss! Got to be careful!”
I was so turned off in that moment because he had told me he was the boss.
I stopped at the lodge to talk to Paramour and Dylan. It was the first time seeing him after he caught me french kissing Mason.
“Hey, Dylan!” I said, all perked up.
“Hey,” he said, avoiding too much eye contact.
“Have you talked to Dylan yet, Freyja?” Paramour asked.
“Ohhh yeahhh,” I said, laughing as I recalled how I tried setting up a threesome with him. I looked at the time on her computer and said, “Welp, I’m gonna go fuck around for the next 20 minutes.”
“You’re gonna go fuck around, are ya?” she teased.
“Oh, I wish,” I said, then looked over at Dylan. I was going to ask him to help me out but he looked scared shitless, clearly trying not to make eye contact with me. As usual, I laughed my ass off.
Dubu ended up surprising me at the end of my work shift. His presence felt very calming and intriguing to me. I felt I naturally glowed around him. I could sense how much he appreciated me.
“That smile of yours is always glued to your face,” he said. “Meet me upstairs at 5 so we could talk about some stuff.”
I clocked out and approached the hostess, Jenna.
“I heard you’re quitting,” she said. “What made you decide you were over it?”
“Eating my french toast outside,” I shared.
She teased, “So that was your breaking point, huh?”
“Yes,” I said, and I just knew that with confidence. I get feelings and nudges. It’s a knowing. It’s a guidance.
I went outside and sat down in front of Dubu, melting happily into the chair. “Ahhhh,” I sighed.
“Freyja,” he started, “Moose Lane Lodge wants you. They want to do an interview with you.”
My eyes filled with tears. “I can’t believe it.” I placed my hands on my chest. “My heart feels so FULL.”
Ask and you shall receive. I felt so desiring of moving towards a new workplace, yet there was a deep guilt that followed when Dubu expressed the news. I felt bad that I made a commitment to Axle. I enjoyed sticking to my word, however that didn’t always coincide with where my inspiration led me.
“Perfect timing,” I said, “as I already made the decision to quit earlier today.”
Dubu smiled and said, “Mallory, Jayson’s wife, wants to interview you Sunday at dinner. Will you be available?”
“I’ll be there.”
“What are you going to do if they put you on as a server?” he asked.
“I wouldn’t work there,” I said, “but in all honesty, who knows. I’ll know in the moment.”
Truthfully, I was in way too introverted of a state of mind to approach people at tables and have them order drinks I didn’t know how to write, let alone pronounce. The thought of being a server or front desk person didn’t feel exciting to me at all, however housekeeping did. I had no issue doing what I was doing at Glacier Bay, minus the bleach and the loud noise of the machines. Maybe one day I’ll fully see that I don’t ever have to participate in anything that’s not a big “fuck yes” to me. I see glimpses of myself moving in a direction where I’m saying “fuck no” to working a job altogether. I was definitely making more money when I was selling my body in comparison to working a regular job now, but I can’t see myself going back to a pornographic business just because of having the perception of having more money in my bank account. The older I get, the more I realize it is not about the money or even the job itself. It’s about how much love is being shared and how much joy I feel in the space of apparently doing it.
Talking with Dubu was confirmation that I wanted to quit regardless if I got the job at Moose Lane or not. I didn’t mind fucking around Alaska and wandering through trails if they said no. I knew I didn’t need the apparent stability of money. Worst case, I’d go back to the Big I.
“I don’t know what they would pay you hourly,” Dubu started, “but would you accept the position if you were to make less money hourly?”
“Yes.”
I wouldn’t care so much about the money, for just the energy of the place felt better for my mental health. My peace of mind, general well-being, and overall happiness were much more important to me than any amount of money I could possibly make. It felt true to move towards it, plain and simple.
I find it interesting how most people say they want to quit, but aren’t really doing so. I think a lot of them feel they need the money, the food or whatever the story may be. Oftentimes, we willingly prioritize things of the world rather than our relationship with God because over time we forget that His love is our only true sustenance. These experiences in our apparent life, we can allow them to come and go through us as they please. I rejoiced in remembrance of this.
Then, I hugged Dubu goodbye and went to eat at the EDR because I found out they were serving steak tonight! There, I ran into the entire Glacier Bay boat crew.
Amineh, the captain, asked how working at the lodge was going.
“I’m quitting!” I said, with a smile on my face.
“Good for you,” she said, “congratulations.”
“Thank you.”
I appreciated when I expressed so-called ‘bad news’ to people and they would react in celebration. “That’s awesome” or “congrats for a new beginning” was such a different energy to approach an upcoming change versus “oh, I’m so sorry.”
So, I took that happy energy I was feeling and decided it would be a good time to talk to Axle because the more I thought about it, the more nervous I found myself getting and I would probably never end up voicing it. I ran into Paramour on my way there and received a quick pep talk.
“I feel this sense of letting Axle down by changing my mind last second,” I said.
She reminded me he was my friend and that he seemed he could handle information very maturely. “I mean, he even told me to buy a one-way ticket just in case I were to get homesick and want to leave,” she said.
For some reason, hearing how nonchalant he was with people coming and going gave me the confidence to just say it. I walked into his room and I could see how everything unfolded the way it should for this very moment. One of the very things I’ve been wanting to practice was speaking my truth, communicating honestly and setting boundaries. Now, I was being presented with the perfect opportunity.
I gave him the whole spiel, then concluded, “This is just something I need to do.”
He was so cool with it. He said, “I want you to follow your guidance and to be happy in Alaska, no matter if it means it takes you to another place.”
I relaxed.
“I want that for you,” he continued, “if I was worried and I needed you to stay, I would’ve begged you and emailed Moose Lane telling them no, they can’t have you.”
He further let me know I didn’t need to worry and that it would all work out. His reaction inspired me to give that grace when I found myself in a similar situation with someone.
I left feeling happy, then walked through the lodge to find all of my favorite guys working their shift—Hook, Kaden and Russ. God, they all looked so fuckable in their work uniforms. I stood in the middle of their server area while they whirlwinded around me. It was rush hour and I intruded on their space because I wanted more Andes chocolate, however I had taken the last one earlier.
Miles saw me freeze up and asked, “What do you want, woman?!”
“I just want some chocolate,” I said softly as I twirled my hair.
“God-fucking hsirbejsjkw,” he mumbled as he opened a cabinet, grabbed a handful out of the fridge and slapped it into my palm. “Now go!”
I knew he was just being playful, yet I still thought it was funny to witness the way people would often talk and interact with me. I feel everything. I feel how people don’t really see me for all that I am, the way they take me for granted, the way they look past all the artistic gifts I hold in my mind. I often find myself sitting in silence alone, in awe of my own mystery and in deep appreciation of the way God works His way through me. I feel the depths of myself, the wonders of my being. I know my inner beauty and the aura that I hold. I have threads of mystery interwoven in my mind, making the most magical, intricate tapestries that I want to weave into those around me. It’s humorous therefore to see the way I choose to carry myself as this dumb blonde ditzy girl so often. It’s even funnier to witness the types of interactions I allow into my life even whilst being aware that I can receive so much more than casual or derogatory comments.
Before I went to bed, Wildflower invited me to join her and a few others on the TAZ tomorrow. The TAZ was the boat Dubu owned and did whale watching tours on with Summer.