July 12, 2020
There were two guys I met on the island a few years ago that I’ve been having a difficult time letting go of in my mind. I shared a romantic, emotional and physical connection with each of them. Throughout the years I reminisce about the moments we shared…
Today as the sun set, I drove down the red road and saw spots along the road that filled my heart with warmth and bittersweet sensations as I visually replayed the memories. I saw myself with one of my beloved ones along the ocean, feeling high after making love… twirling around in my skirt, toes digging into the dirt while kissed by the pine needles, my bare breasts to the moonlight, and I was laughing joyously… he looked at me in awe and joined me.
Another spot down the road, now taken by the lava, known as the warm ponds… he held me in the ocean after a peyote ceremony… the starlight gently glistening on his wet fingertips as he caressed my naked skin… we shared our dreams, insights, and I remember feeling as if I was falling in love.
The other beloved one I met… we went on a magical road trip together… he taught me stillness, mindfulness of breath, and appreciating who is in front of me because that’s exactly who I am being asked to love.
He touched me softly in the hot springs and I remember feeling so absolutely loved. He took me to any destination I wanted to go and showed me how to discover the depths of tantric love. The way he knew how to grab me roughly, then seconds later kiss me with tenderness, whispering sweet words with that voice that felt like heaven. We danced near the river and took walks amongst endless paths of fallen autumn leaves.
I looked back on these two men I met and thought about how it felt as if it’s ‘them’ I miss. I had a profound realization when I asked God for seeing this with His Eyes. I became really honest with myself.
I realized that I have a tendency to romanticize relationships and make sex into something meaningful. I think that I am craving them, however I know that all I’m really craving is God’s love.
People fade, emotions we have for people fade, because God is showing us not to look into another person for covering up that feeling of longing. God is gently reminding us that love is never ‘out there,’ it is always ‘in here.’
I also asked God, ‘Why can’t these experiences last forever?’ and He told me to think of the happiest memory I could possibly think of, one where I was so joyously laughing, in tears and in full gratitude of simply being alive and He told me that feeling was absolutely minuscule compared to the Joy that is waiting for me in Heaven.
I couldn’t tell if I was happy or sad. It felt like I was losing grip of the world, in a liberating way. However, I was also feeling some doubt, as if asking ‘HOW could it be better than this?’ and I laugh as I write that… because I know that I don’t have to worry about the ‘how.’ All God asks of me is to surrender these thoughts to Him. I don’t have to make men into idols because that is entirely missing the point of what my true goal here is…
to undo the thought of separation.
There were two guys I met on the island a few years ago that I’ve been having a difficult time letting go of in my mind. I shared a romantic, emotional and physical connection with each of them. Throughout the years I reminisce about the moments we shared…
Today as the sun set, I drove down the red road and saw spots along the road that filled my heart with warmth and bittersweet sensations as I visually replayed the memories. I saw myself with one of my beloved ones along the ocean, feeling high after making love… twirling around in my skirt, toes digging into the dirt while kissed by the pine needles, my bare breasts to the moonlight, and I was laughing joyously… he looked at me in awe and joined me.
Another spot down the road, now taken by the lava, known as the warm ponds… he held me in the ocean after a peyote ceremony… the starlight gently glistening on his wet fingertips as he caressed my naked skin… we shared our dreams, insights, and I remember feeling as if I was falling in love.
The other beloved one I met… we went on a magical road trip together… he taught me stillness, mindfulness of breath, and appreciating who is in front of me because that’s exactly who I am being asked to love.
He touched me softly in the hot springs and I remember feeling so absolutely loved. He took me to any destination I wanted to go and showed me how to discover the depths of tantric love. The way he knew how to grab me roughly, then seconds later kiss me with tenderness, whispering sweet words with that voice that felt like heaven. We danced near the river and took walks amongst endless paths of fallen autumn leaves.
I looked back on these two men I met and thought about how it felt as if it’s ‘them’ I miss. I had a profound realization when I asked God for seeing this with His Eyes. I became really honest with myself.
I realized that I have a tendency to romanticize relationships and make sex into something meaningful. I think that I am craving them, however I know that all I’m really craving is God’s love.
People fade, emotions we have for people fade, because God is showing us not to look into another person for covering up that feeling of longing. God is gently reminding us that love is never ‘out there,’ it is always ‘in here.’
I also asked God, ‘Why can’t these experiences last forever?’ and He told me to think of the happiest memory I could possibly think of, one where I was so joyously laughing, in tears and in full gratitude of simply being alive and He told me that feeling was absolutely minuscule compared to the Joy that is waiting for me in Heaven.
I couldn’t tell if I was happy or sad. It felt like I was losing grip of the world, in a liberating way. However, I was also feeling some doubt, as if asking ‘HOW could it be better than this?’ and I laugh as I write that… because I know that I don’t have to worry about the ‘how.’ All God asks of me is to surrender these thoughts to Him. I don’t have to make men into idols because that is entirely missing the point of what my true goal here is…
to undo the thought of separation.
