July 3, 2020:
I’ve been having intense sexual perceptions, just in a different way. Today, I went to the Rainbow gathering with Bruno, Synnamon and Simas. I noticed how often I try to fit in. I ended up candy flipping lightly and I often found myself trying to be cool by talking about stuff that wasn’t that interesting to me. I’m still learning that words are completely meaningless and that it’s only energy being communicated.
There was a moment when we were laughing about something ridiculous like “suh, dude” and we all busted out laughing. I remember thinking to myself how awesome it would be if this moment of laughter could last forever, and then I got a message that told me that that feeling of joyous laughter can last forever, but there’s even something beyond that feeling that can’t even be explained and it’s in Reality. Then I experienced a moment of sadness, as if it was far away and out of reach. The moment the laughter faded, I wondered, Why? I’m learning to trust in what’s beyond this world, to look beyond the perception and not trust the evidence.
I don’t want to play games with peoples heads anymore. It doesn’t feel good. Ever since Simas came here I noticed how much I amped up the flirting with other guys. My ex, Noah, FaceTime’d me today and basically said how he wanted to be with me again. He expressed how he wants to hold me in his arms. He apologized for how he was and said my “hippie ways of life” were right the whole time, he just wasn’t there yet and had a lot of maturing to do. He said he’s been talking about me to his friends for a long time now, then every 30 seconds would comment on how pretty I was. I left him on speaker as Simas heard Noah saying how in love he was with me.
The sinister energy came up in me, like, Ha ha, this is what you get after you did what you did.
Every other time, I had dudes hitting on me or Julian and I were constantly cuddly/touchy. Before Simas came here, I told Bruno how I wanted to do raunchy stuff in front of Simas so he could quickly understand that he’s meaningless to me.
However, Simas just sat in my bunk and said, “I need to let you know something… Watching all these guys hitting on you, and watching you touch them is absolutely torturous,” and then he broke down.
He fell down beside me and cried like a baby. I felt awful. I knew I was responsible for his reaction. I was intending to harm him. I got what I apparently wanted and quickly realized it was a false wanting. I was hurting my brother. I want to be considerate of what he’s experiencing. I am so sorry, Simas.
Prior to that, I had a moment of flirting around with all of the guys around me, and I noticed my intention was to bring up jealousy in Simas and it worked every time, but man it does not feel good. There was a moment in the car when Bruno pulled my hair really hard, and the whole car ride home I rested my head on his chest as he was grabbing my outer thigh, presenting sexual energy and I saw myself going with it. I also saw how I wanted Simas to see. And that’s when I knew I couldn’t run away from God anymore. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t play this pattern anymore because I am aware of what is happening. There’s a part of me that wants to play the role of slut and manipulate men, but it’s not fun anymore and it doesn’t give me that ‘pull’ like it once did. Once I experienced the taste of Jesus, nothing I do in this world can satisfy me the way God can, and it sucks because it feels like death. It feels like I am letting go of something I’ve known, an apparent part of myself. My ego wants to keep playing the game at times, but I’m getting tired… I know where it’s taking me and I’m just tired of running in circles.
I’ve been having intense sexual perceptions, just in a different way. Today, I went to the Rainbow gathering with Bruno, Synnamon and Simas. I noticed how often I try to fit in. I ended up candy flipping lightly and I often found myself trying to be cool by talking about stuff that wasn’t that interesting to me. I’m still learning that words are completely meaningless and that it’s only energy being communicated.
There was a moment when we were laughing about something ridiculous like “suh, dude” and we all busted out laughing. I remember thinking to myself how awesome it would be if this moment of laughter could last forever, and then I got a message that told me that that feeling of joyous laughter can last forever, but there’s even something beyond that feeling that can’t even be explained and it’s in Reality. Then I experienced a moment of sadness, as if it was far away and out of reach. The moment the laughter faded, I wondered, Why? I’m learning to trust in what’s beyond this world, to look beyond the perception and not trust the evidence.
I don’t want to play games with peoples heads anymore. It doesn’t feel good. Ever since Simas came here I noticed how much I amped up the flirting with other guys. My ex, Noah, FaceTime’d me today and basically said how he wanted to be with me again. He expressed how he wants to hold me in his arms. He apologized for how he was and said my “hippie ways of life” were right the whole time, he just wasn’t there yet and had a lot of maturing to do. He said he’s been talking about me to his friends for a long time now, then every 30 seconds would comment on how pretty I was. I left him on speaker as Simas heard Noah saying how in love he was with me.
The sinister energy came up in me, like, Ha ha, this is what you get after you did what you did.
Every other time, I had dudes hitting on me or Julian and I were constantly cuddly/touchy. Before Simas came here, I told Bruno how I wanted to do raunchy stuff in front of Simas so he could quickly understand that he’s meaningless to me.
However, Simas just sat in my bunk and said, “I need to let you know something… Watching all these guys hitting on you, and watching you touch them is absolutely torturous,” and then he broke down.
He fell down beside me and cried like a baby. I felt awful. I knew I was responsible for his reaction. I was intending to harm him. I got what I apparently wanted and quickly realized it was a false wanting. I was hurting my brother. I want to be considerate of what he’s experiencing. I am so sorry, Simas.
Prior to that, I had a moment of flirting around with all of the guys around me, and I noticed my intention was to bring up jealousy in Simas and it worked every time, but man it does not feel good. There was a moment in the car when Bruno pulled my hair really hard, and the whole car ride home I rested my head on his chest as he was grabbing my outer thigh, presenting sexual energy and I saw myself going with it. I also saw how I wanted Simas to see. And that’s when I knew I couldn’t run away from God anymore. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t play this pattern anymore because I am aware of what is happening. There’s a part of me that wants to play the role of slut and manipulate men, but it’s not fun anymore and it doesn’t give me that ‘pull’ like it once did. Once I experienced the taste of Jesus, nothing I do in this world can satisfy me the way God can, and it sucks because it feels like death. It feels like I am letting go of something I’ve known, an apparent part of myself. My ego wants to keep playing the game at times, but I’m getting tired… I know where it’s taking me and I’m just tired of running in circles.