I’m so sick of sleeping with men I’m not attracted to or doing it because I feel obligated in some sort of way… I’m just tired. Vera told me to hike with a guy named Bam Bam and he could show me around Maui. I took the opportunity and you know why? Because I thought he was hot-ish in his pictures. So shallow, I know.
I felt like it was so fun and easy-going in the beginning and then I started to feel like I had to flirt since he was driving me around so I started making slight sexual comments. He slowly started getting more touchy, constantly calling me cute.
We did some inversions near the ocean and ate strawberries with whipped cream. We visited the other side of the island, attempted to find a trail that was on the GPS, but that we couldn’t find in person so we decided to take a straight shot up the mountain in hopes of finding the trail. We were about 100’ from the top and then decided to go back down because there was a cliff and giant spiders everywhere. We ended the day with ice cream, driving through the redwoods, and collecting pine needles!
He kept saying I was so adorable and sexy. I said the same to him even though honestly, he was all right. Then he began to ask if I was interested and I said yes. I could tell he was so nervous kissing me that he said I’d like for you to make the first move. Gross. Then that’s where I felt obligated. I felt like I needed to be slutty and so I found myself playing that role. I realized I was absolutely sick of this game.
When we went inside Baskin-Robbins, the lady working there was playing Christian music and I thought to myself how great Jesus is. I was there with some random guy and I thought about what it would feel like to say goodbye to him and to just run towards Jesus and I felt a deep peace come over me. I see more and more how nothing compares to him. I could drop it all, this whole world, for Him…
I ended up fucking this guy and I felt just so tired and over it. I just wanted to go on an adventure with someone and I am aware of the deep temptation to victimize myself, however, I know I played a huge part in this. Well, I actually played the whole part.
When I came home to Isaiah’s mom it felt like I came home to Jesus, metaphorically. It seemed like all day I was trying to be slutty so this guy would fuck me and I was tired. I felt physically and mentally tired of playing the ditsy chick, and when I came home, I felt cozy and safe. I laid down on the beanbag, closed my tired eyes and turned on my Christian music. Shortly after, Isaiah came to join me. At first he leaned on the beanbag/me as though he was praying and he closed his eyes and felt the music with me. Shortly after, he fell asleep with me.
He told me his mom was never this close with any of his other girls. I could tell she loved me; I loved her just as much. I felt truly at home. It’s interesting how I feel more comfortable around strangers. I feel like if it was my own family I would dip. His mom said my presence makes her want to just get up and travel. A lot of people have been telling me that lately. So grateful that I can bring up the energy of inspiration in someone.
I feel so beyond grateful that I’ve been receiving extremely loving perceptions of my leg hair. Bam Bam was saying how much he loves that I don’t shave, how incredible it is and how much he loves my hair. Shortly after coming home, Isaiah stroked my legs and commented how much he loved my hairy legs. I always thank Jesus for those moments because I feel like it’s Him speaking to me, like he’s sending people to remind me of how loved I am.
Can you feel a deep stillness and everlasting peace collapsed in this moment of Now? this moment… the only moment there is… What are you choosing? Love or ego? Are you motivated by the still, gentle voice or are you motivated by the roaring, chitter-chatter of the ego? Just watch.
