I experienced a variety of feelings about Isaiah the past few days. A few days ago we were in his hale and we just finished making love. We laughed and kissed.
He looks at me as I’m laughing and goes, “Are you in love with me, Goda?”
And I go, “Yes!”
“I’m in love with you, Goda,” and I laugh as I say, “I’m in love with you, Isaiah,” and we roll around kissing.
I think to myself how lovely it all is but then I had a thought go, I’m bored.
It used to be so exciting to me like, Oo ah a boy AND I get to kiss him, but something shifted drastically when I decided to go celibate… It revealed to me how I never really needed to be so obsessed with men, and that I was only playing out a role.
He’s been confessing his love for me, saying all these beautiful things about my body or the way I walk and I’m over here thinking, I’ve heard it all before… Now I want to be connected past these body illusions. I want to have God as my priority.
Isaiah wanted to take me on a trip around the island and to Makalawena beach so we began our trip going to Pahoa and getting new tires and hanging out with Vera. He began expressing ideas about me meeting his family which he claimed was really important.
Once again, those thoughts came up like, Eh, I lost track of how much I’ve experienced that.
My parents are at the point where they just want me to settle.
We went to check on some Ayahuasca he’s been brewing, then we were on our way to the Kona side and one of the first things he asked was if I give road head. Out of fear of not being liked, I said yes. He said it would be the first time anyone’s giving him head “in this truck” and I felt a huge jab and got completely unaroused. Then when we began to experience some majestic scenery, I became so enthralled and filled with gratitude for nature and God that I just wanted to do nothing else except stare into the depths of the wild. I felt grateful for the PCT and the memories I created.
However, I quickly felt taken out of the moment. Isaiah began talking the whole time and I found myself internally screaming with annoyance for his presence. I find myself getting angry at myself for even getting into a relationship thinking to myself, I’m so sick of boys! I’m destined to be a gypsy for the rest of my life.
He eventually stopped talking so much and I got to listen to Christian music. I felt that peaceful feeling come within my soul and I became overwhelmed with gratitude again at the scenery and begged him to stop. He told me he would stop anywhere I asked, and every time he did stop, I got out of the car and I SPRINTED into the wild. I was running like a cheetah, faster than a bolt of lightning, and I was laughing so loud, with tears filling up my eyes. I felt God. I felt brought back to my childhood in those moments, realizing that it was right there whenever I chose to call on it. I didn’t even mind one bit if he joined me, I just wanted to fly with my spirit.
Shortly after that time, during the most scenic part, he whipped his dick out and asked me to suck it, and I felt a HUGE ugh feeling arise. I was so disinterested and didn’t give two fucks about his penis. I felt way more motivated to look at my surroundings, however, it seemed that the sense of feeling obligated was stronger so I ended up faking excitement and going down on him anyway.
I felt furious. I felt like I deserved a relationship that didn’t make me feel like I needed to give myself sexually somehow. I know in my heart I deserve the best thing I can imagine, and even better than I can imagine.
After that experience, I felt mellow, but then the excitement returned when I saw the views. Another big trigger came up when a minute ago I was kissing him and thanking him for taking me to nature and all of the stops and then excitedly I shout, “Can we stop here?!”
He pulls over and goes, “Of course we can!” then pulls right back out and says “actually we can’t because I want to make it to the beach in time,” and the sinking feeling came over me of feeling disappointed. I felt a lot of sadness.
Then, we made our way down the extremely rocky road down to Makalwena and I asked if I could get out of the car, and I RAN! I ran the whole way down to the beach. I felt so present with my breath and my footsteps… hopping and skipping, unafraid of falling. I felt like I was on the PCT, except weightless without a backpack. I felt free.
We camped at the security guard’s place. Setting up the tents also made me excited and reminisce. Then I invited him to look at the stars with me and I attempted having a conversation about sex and how it’s not motivating to me right now. I don’t think it got anywhere because shortly after that, and since, he’s been just as grabby and focused on my body, making comments about where he wants to love on me. I just kept looking to the sky and knowing in my heart that I have to let him go and that he’s showing me very clearly… I’m simply the one who wants to desperately hold on.
I ended up calling Hope to talk it out this morning as I felt a little frantic. I told her how I had thoughts come up that she hated me or was annoyed of me and she laughed sweetly and told me that was not the case and that she didn’t get any signs like that. Then I felt like talking about Isaiah and I shared something like this. “Hope, I keep getting the sense that I’m not getting it. I keep having conversations with him about sex and how I just don’t feel motivated towards it and he says he understands completely and wants to give me room and not push, however I’ve been feeling pushed.” Then, I even told her how I don’t feel so obsessive with boys anymore. I feel like all these guys are mesmerized by me yet I want so much more than that. I told her about the apparent little things, of him not stopping for me along the road, or not listening attentively, and how I get these thoughts saying, There’s no such thing as a perfect relationship, I just have to accept some things that I don’t like. And Hope immediately reminded me that was all ego and that I’m doubting what is coming to me. I knew she was right. She reminded me this was the lesson I came to learn and to let all the guys come and go, let them arise and pass, they are coming up and out of my own perception. I feel a lot of nervousness arising that is telling me I’m going to break his heart. Help me, Jesus. Illuminate my mind for me, Lord.
