Saturday, Sophia and I decided to go to Kona for shits and gigs. Shit went down. I told her I would treat her out for her birthday so we went to a nice bar on Ali’i Drive. As soon as I walked in I noticed a couple of guys give me the eyes, so I sat next to them because I knew they were hooked. Sophia and I ate a burger along with some garlic shrimp that tasted like calamari. Surprisingly, the one guy began talking to me and he was flirting, said some sweet things about me. I would’ve fucked him, but I could tell Sophia was feeling rejected so I rejected him. I told him I was leaving for Oregon in a few days and didn’t know when I’d be coming back. I touched his hand and gave him seductive eyes and said it was lovely meeting him, but I was having a girls night.
Shortly after, Sophia wanted to go see one of her friends playing the drums. His name was Drew Ledner. She was obsessing over seeing him. We made it there and it was a really sweet place. It was a restaurant/bar on the beach with cozy music. We went to say hi to all of the band members and none of them were cute, so I just let Sophia have her spotlight.
She looked at me and said, “Come on, let’s go dance!”
“Nope,” I said.
I’m glad she pulled me out of my comfort zone because as soon as I got up there and began to move my body, I felt liberated. I noticed the band members were watching me the rest of the night, smiling. I felt all eyes on me in the crowd, and I knew that was true because as I walked away, people’s eyes remained on me. I felt like a star. Some guy tried picking me up, calling me beautiful and then asked to see me tonight. I smiled, gave him my number then let him kiss me on the cheek as a tease.
As Sophia talked to Drew, I was walking and some guy gave me a finger signal, telling me to move closer to him, so I went. It was him and his friend. One looked in his mid 40s, the other in his 60s. They said they picked me as the most beautiful woman in the whole room and I smiled. They took a picture with me, then one of the guys asked me if I knew the couple sitting across the bar. I said no and he said that they were giving him the ‘don’t do it’ sign where you move your hand in a slicing motion across your neck. Whatever, I didn’t mind what other people thought. They bought me a drink and ended up paying for my tab, that was the sweetest surprise. Sophia said I reminded her of Lolita, that we were one in the same.
As the night progressed, I began to notice some red flags. I went to the bathroom and Sophia said she was going to go talk to Jeremy.
I told her I could hold my pee and come with and she yelled, “No!”
I asked, “Oh, you wanna go alone?”
She nodded her head then told me to stop asking so many questions because she was getting overwhelmed.
We went to drink some water and I wanted to wipe my glasses on her shirt because all my other friends find it cute when I do that, however she pushed my hand away and blurted, “God, you’re being so attention grabby, Goda! Back off.”
I brushed it off and hopped over the ledge to go dip my feet in the ocean. I had the same feeling that I experienced in the Bahamas. I just wanted to swim into the depths of the ocean, with no expectation of returning. That thought brought me peace.
Anyways, some guy saw me dance again, and he smiled at the fact that I’ve been dancing for the past two hours. Another guy with long hair looked at me with adoration and said I was crazy beautiful. We exchanged numbers and he told me he’s a painter. He had some of his work hanging in Hilo. Then I became bored and picked a convo with the guitarist. He was smiling and watching me dance most of the time. Apparently he was Japanese, but that was hard to believe because he didn’t look like it and he had a big cock—whoops! Spoiler alert…
The drummer dude told me the guy has a crazy psycho girlfriend, and then my hormones went off and I got turned on. It’s kind of fucked up how I just wanted to add another guy to my fuck list. His name was Jack and he complimented my dancing, said he loved everything about me. My glasses, my hair, the way I moved. The drummer said I had a very energetic and exquisite way of dancing, so much so that it inspired him to play the drums in a different, more passionate way.
Anyways, I invited Jack to come to the beach with us and he got super excited at the idea. He kissed/bit my neck as he went to put the rest of his equipment away.
So as Sophia and I were waiting for the guys to gather the equipment, I kind of joked with Sophia and said, “I can’t believe you called me attention grabby,” and she flipped.
She yelled, “Because you are! You were being a bitch. You were dancing all sexy in front of him and taking my spotlight. Just when I began to shine, you would take the eyes from everyone.”
She said more, but I can’t remember. I tried to forget and made out with Jack on Sophia’s car as Drew watched. Sophia just told me to get into the car with him. I just wanted to get it over with, but at the same time I was getting off on how obsessed he was with me.
I kissed him all over, flirted, laughed. I sucked his dick and he freaked. Very vocal guy.
He wouldn’t stop saying, “I love you. You are the love of my life. I’m so in love with you.”
That’s all he said for the rest of the night. He told me how he wanted to marry me and that he was going to divorce his wife.
So, we made it to the beach and Jack chased after me. We went on the ledge because he was BEGGING to let him stuff my pussy. So, I spread my legs open and he fell in LOVE with my scent. I pulled him by the hair to get him off and then ran to the water.
We all sat next to each other. I wanted to get naked right away, but I didn’t because I felt like Sophia would blow up on me. The entire night she thought I was making moves on Drew, so I let her take the lead. Actually, I did get naked first. I love the way they watched me remove my clothes and run into the water. I swam around and after 10 to 15 minutes I got cold and ran back.
In a cute and pouty voice, I said, “I’m cold.”
Drew and Jack were hypnotized by me standing naked in front of them—they just stared, speechless and smiley.
“So can I have a towel?” I asked.
They both snapped out of their dream and blurted, “Oh yeah!” then stumbled over to get me one.
I did a spin for Drew to wrap me in the towel and he loved it. He said I had a great body and asked me to do the spin for him again. So of course I did. I took Jack’s hand and walked him to his van so I could fuck him. God, he was obsessing over me.
We got in there and he turned the lights on. I sat on his equipment as he pulled out his dick and pounded me straight away. He was freaking out like a teenage boy, I was like shut the fuck up and fuck me. It got weird though because he began to play with his nipples and moan. Do you know how hard I had to try not to laugh? To each their own, but then I got bored and wanted to go home so I went to get Sophia.
I stopped drinking because I reached my limit, but Sophia was far gone. She was shitfaced. It was quite embarrassing. She sat in her car and pissed out of it, squirting her piss right beside the guys. It is what it is. I drove her to Elmore Jensen’s house because that’s where we were going to spend the night. He offered his place since he resided in Kona! It was so funny because Elmore was giving us directions to his house and said, “Just walk straight, the porch light will be on and my door will be unlocked.”
So I did just that and we walked into somebody else’s house. The door was wide open and Sophia dropped all her shit on the couch. I looked in the room and some chick was passed out on her bed, clueless. Elmore ended up finding us. What a night.
The next day Sophia and I were so hung over. We both felt off. I couldn’t believe the way she reacted that night. She began to say how I was so spiritually empowered when I was here last time and how I backtracked now. She said it was as if when she told me she liked Drew, I gave him sex eyes and became more sexual and seductive, and how I did the same with Carson, as if I got turned on that they were taken. She wasn’t wrong.
She goes, “It’s as if I told you I like them and then you chased after them.”
As soon as she said that, I was brought back to the moment I said that to Marija. And here I was, doing the same to others.
You know, sometimes I feel lost and out of control but I’m remembering that it is all okay. Nothing to be scared of. I got the luxury of going to Hope’s wisdom dialogues. Sophia took me there and just being there filled my heart. I felt liberated. She was like a walking version of ACIM. She resonates so much with me and I am so curious by the very nature of her. I feel her authenticity and I can feel that she is genuine. I feel so safe in her presence—all the boundaries seem to disappear. She reminded me of a lot, such as to always follow my excitement, whatever that may be.
I asked, “How do you know if you’re following excitement that’s artificial or love?”
She said, “You always know, you can sense it. You can sense it by the way you speak, by your body language, by the way you walk. It’s not the words that come out of your mouth, but the energy of it.”
She brought up that when she first began on this path, people would say stuff that wouldn’t resonate with her, and she would just smile and nod because she knew that whatever came out of her mouth wouldn’t be true, just by feeling the energy behind it. I have been doing that a lot, especially with Sophia the past week. But today I told her honestly that what she was saying didn’t resonate with me. She basically called me at the airport just to talk down about Hope Johnson and try to make herself look like a spiritual shaman.
Humble.
Be humble.
As I write that, I say to myself as well.
Another example that Hope gave me really helped me see where I could apply to my own life. She said how her son took her weed and how she was upset for two hours and how she took it back from him in anger and later decided she didn’t want to smoke anymore and gave it back.
She said, “I put it in my safe so nobody could get it and then I looked at what I was really doing. I realized I don’t want to have to roll my joints in secrecy and go smoke in the garage where no one can see me. That just doesn’t sound like fun to me.”
I smiled because I noticed that in my own life before, such as with food. The feeling of needing to hide it and eat it and secrecy so that no one could get it, and it’s true, that really isn’t fun. It feels fun to share with others and leave that open for people instead of hidden.
I also felt Akim’s presence at her dialogue. I felt him sitting next to Skye. Skye surprise hitched all the way from Kona just to be there. As I saw him walking away, I began smiling into my heart, happy as can be. Blessed, I am. He is okay. He is free. That was the first time I didn’t feel anger around his presence.
Hawaii energy is something special. The way people interact here is vastly different than on the mainland. People give you a real smile and that is a gift. People take the time to look into your eyes.
On a sidenote, I met some guys from the SugarDaddy site, but this one guy in particular really resonated with me. He was my grandpa’s age but he’s free spirited and I told him I got kicked out of my house. He said I was more than welcome to stay with him. I’m grateful for that and I think I would take him up on that opportunity. A big part of me is upset with Sophia for not accepting where I was on my path. I reminded her that sometimes we spiral back into things to learn deeper lessons. At the same time, instead of getting defensive, look at where I’m doing that same thing with people.
Where am I being non-accepting?
I feel heartbroken about my relationship with my family, sometimes I feel I don’t have control over my behavior. At times I feel guilty that I couldn’t be the daughter they wanted me to be.
But then Akim‘s voice whispers to me. “Who are you trying to please?”
God doesn’t judge. God is in my heart, unconditionally loving me up. There’s no way I could ever get it wrong. I am already healed. What am I really afraid of? Anything else that isn’t love cannot penetrate me. My eyes are tearing up because I know that is the truth. Man, this life really is a movie. Enjoy the ride, sweetheart.
I met some great people at Cinderland, on the island in general. The lava is teaching me a lot, a lot more than I thought. It’s teaching me acceptance, letting go, appreciation of the moment, unconditional love. It is showing me new perspectives. Some of my favorite places got taken. Warm ponds, four corners, Pohoiki got taken yesterday.
It brings up questions.
Did I appreciate it?
Did I love up every moment?
I am glad I am taking Akim’s death with ease because I feel in my heart I loved him unconditionally, I appreciated him IMMENSELY. I accepted him for who he was, despite what other people were saying. I ask myself if I did the same for those places and I find a timeline of memories unfold before my eyes:
-Swimming naked with Lucas at the warm ponds.
-Falling in love with Michael Hayes at the warm ponds, enticed by one another. Mesmerized by love, witnessing the beauty of the twirling and twinkling stars.
-Making love with Ivan on top of the lighthouse.
-Eating ice cream with Abigail at Pohoiki, checking out the cute boys.
-Eating a delicious Mexican burrito with Big Jack at Pohoiki.
-Having deep insights with Akim at Pohoiki as the wind blew across our sweet faces. Youth, innocence.
-Tanning naked with the sun beating on our yonis, Sophia and I at champagne ponds.
-Snorkeling with friends at tide pools, appreciating all the colorful fishies.
… And with all of this, how could I say I’m not blessed? There was music Mondays, painting days, drinking coconuts and long hugs heart-to-heart, sunrise bike rides, sharing kind words and loving one another up. God, thank you Pele. Now it is time to let go and release. I love you.