I woke up this morning excited to call my mom. I just wanted to hear her voice. The conversation flipped upside down when we got onto the topic of how I needed to get a stable job, then how all men are bad and will cheat. I got defensive and told her how I’m only 22 and I’m still figuring out what I want. I had a deep comforting feeling telling me I was okay if I didn’t have a job or haven’t figured out what I wanted yet. It’s all okay. But in her mind it wasn’t.
She said, “You know, I’m always right.
I said, “You’re not always right mom.”
“Tell me one time I wasn’t right,” she said.
“Your perception that all guys are assholes and will cheat.”
And that’s when everything sort of went down. I felt that lack of love.
She went on to tell me how I’m too sensitive on this topic of guys and that she didn’t want me to have an expectation that they were good men because that would’ve ruined my life and I would’ve gone blaming her. I attempted to explain that the reason I’m sensitive to the topic is because I grew up learning that all men will cheat, and I need to accept that so I can be happy. And then to tell me that there’s only a really small percentage of men that are good made me feel as if I was not worthy enough to have that percentage. I was trying to keep my voice from trembling even though I had tears rolling off my cheeks and a sweet boyfriend caressing me. I ended up dropping the call and Ivan held me while I cried in his arms. The feeling passed quickly as I felt it and I got up and went to color a mandala in my coloring book.
I shed a couple more tears while I was doing that, then Ivan locked eyes with me and I said, “I just really want to have a good relationship with her, that’s all. I wiped my tears away and then about an hour later, I ate some sprouted quinoa and all of a sudden I felt so happy. I realized none of this mattered. There’s no need to follow thoughts and create a story out of it.
I felt the love and was able to see it light heartedly, and I thought to myself, Wow, what a miracle.
I also witnessed that I really was attacking myself. I was attracted to these conversations for evidence for the ego to find truth in my thoughts.