I told myself I was sick of these uneasy feelings arising about Tacy, and I was done creating the same pattern. This person has been occupying the majority of my thoughts to the point of making me live inside my own little bubble of fear. I’m sick of it, so I told myself I was going to sit down by the fire. I walked into the kitchen, and there was her ass, just sticking up in the air and I sat down by the fire and silently let out a few tears. Instead of running away, I stayed… and that felt huge. To sit with it, to see my feelings for what they really were. I stayed there for the majority of the day huddled next to the fire in my sleeping bag, listening to Hope Johnson’s Wisdom Dialogues.
Feeling warmth in my heart and ease in my mind. And you know what? I felt so angry inside because of her beauty, and the fact that she could paint mandalas that I took all that anger and frustration and began painting my first mandala yesterday. Emotionally, I feel better. Thoughts arose about Tacy and I caught myself noticing how much I was thinking about her–probably more than she was thinking about herself. Now, I’m choosing not to grab a thought and follow it down.
Hope has been a miracle of my life. Here’s what I learned from her latest sessions.
“Individuality – notice the word, duality, and the end of it.”
“It’s not being awake in the nightmare, it’s being awake to the nightmare. For example, you can wake up in your dream, but it doesn’t mean you are out of it.”
Then she brought up her relationship with her husband and shared how there was a point that she was controlling his behavior.
“It was manipulative,” she said, “in truth, I don’t want anyone to behave any certain way. I want them to be exactly as they are because then I could see exactly what needs to be seen in my reflection. That’s just trying to cover stuff up.”
Ivan and I were talking about it and he said something that blew my mind. All these so-called individual people that we see are just 100 billion versions of the self!
I’m seeing my worth again and I am complete already as I am. I don’t need to be a stripper to know my worth or to give myself away to every guy to know I am desirable. I have God’s love in my heart, what more do I need?