I’m beginning to understand that I am responsible for everything that I attract into my life. Yesterday, when I was at Sophias I had an epiphany. I realized I’ve been attracting a lot of men that offer me money to do stuff for them.
First, Gary, then some guy thought I was a prostitute in Thailand, then some guy offered me $50,000 to have a child with him, then Big Jack offered me $300 to have sex with him, and NOW, I’m about to be a stripper in Honolulu–doing more stuff for money! I told her how I’m taking my part for what I have attracted into my life.
“Why do I attract the same men?” I asked Sophia.
“Because you feel unworthy,” she said, “as though you don’t deserve a good guy.”
“Well, how do I attract them in my life? Ivan’s such a good guy. Everything I’ve ever wanted. How did I manage to manifest that one?”
Sophia smiled sweetly and replied, “Because God sent him to you to show you that you do deserve a good guy and that you ARE worthy.”
“You know,” I said, “it’s weird. Sometimes I truly can’t believe it. He’s so perfect and so good to me that I have to snap myself back to reality several times to remind myself he’s real.”
“You just stated it,” she said, “you don’t believe it.”
I became frustrated. “WHY don’t I believe it?” I asked.
“Because some part of you says that those guys don’t exist.”
“Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You said it! You said the words!” I shouted.
I could feel the epiphanies. I continued, “That’s what my mom has been saying to me. Those are her words. She always told me that those guys don’t exist and that they all cheat. She said I’m being naïve if I think they don’t. I cannot believe that I actually attached to her words. I never thought she would actually condition me with her thinking. What the FUCK.”
Sophia just smiled and said how sleeping around with other people when I’m in a relationship is my way of coping with it. “Keeping myself safe,” so to speak. I was trying to sit with everything I just realized. She also said I don’t need to be so open all the time because that sends off the wrong message. She read me like a book, dude. I asked her about jealousy and how to not get jealous. I could tell she was about to speak from her heart.
She closed her eyes and said, “One, fake it till you make it. If you see someone hot, instead of getting insecure, be self confident and present! Recognize it for what it is–your own insecurities. Be self-confident.”