I was distraught that Ivan decided to go to a strip club a few nights back and I have been unable to let it go since. I started to think about why he went. I tried to keep breathing through it. I had to bring myself back to Truth over and over again. I felt the tears and emotions overcome me.
Breathe.
Breathe.
Breathe.
I felt a nudge to reach out to Hope Johnson. I simply needed help to be reminded of the truth. I sat on the porch and explained what I was feeling. I explained how it made me feel insecure, and not worthy.
She smiled and said, “First of all, ask yourself, why are you dating someone that goes to strip clubs?”
She was telling me how I was putting meaning into my thoughts, and how it brought out my feelings.
“Be thankful for your feelings,” she said, “because they show you what your heart wants. Your feelings are showing you that your beliefs aren’t matching up with your heart.”
That gave me goosebumps.
She continued, “I sense that you’re jealous, because Ivan going to strip clubs is something that doesn’t interest you. For instance, I don’t have any of those jealous/attachment feelings with my husband. We’ve been together for 22 years and I am always open to change. I was the same way as you. I dated a guy that went to strip clubs and looked at other girls. You are doing it because you don’t think you can find a better guy. You don’t feel that there are guys out there that would only want to look at you and so you’re having conflicting thoughts. If you want to try to stay with him or if you want to try to leave him, either way, it’s a trap.”
She was there to remind me that there ARE guys out there that are genuine and real, that don’t seek for that bodily pleasure. I just have to feel it. I know she’s right about something for sure. That I am scared to leave Ivan because I don’t feel that I could find someone better.
Hope is such an inspiration and I am so grateful she reminds me. She said life is like a game and to just have fun. She told me how in a situation like that, she simply communicated. “As soon as I felt their eyes wandering to others,” she said, “I casually told them it is not what I wanted, and that’s it. It wasn’t from jealousy, just something I did not want. In the beginning of my relationship with my husband, as soon as I saw his eyes going elsewhere, I told him it wasn’t what I wanted, and he said ‘that’s not me. That’s not who I really am.’ And he showed me that and has been showing me since.’”
Mahalo, Hope. She comforted me, saying that we are never alone and that it is only a belief that we need another body with us to not feel lonely. She said my feelings of jealousy were coming from an idea of separation.