October 14, 2016:
I went to the warm ponds for about an hour then hitched into town and ran into Ivan at the natch. Big Jack ran into me in town and gave some dude named Joe and I a ride home. Joe gave us some of his concoction to sip on. It had lilikoi and mint leaves laced with ayahuasca and cocoa. I took a nap in my bunk. In the background Waka was playing some beautiful music on his guitar. It made me feel so at home, nostalgic and innocent. I asked him to please play for a little while longer because the sound was mesmerizing, like that of a lullaby.
I heard somebody say “chips and salsa” so I wrapped myself with a giant blanket and hopped out of bed.
Emmett came to sit by me–he was hammered. He laid his head on me and I massaged him for over an hour. I could tell he was enjoying every second of it. Eventually, everyone went to bed. I went into my bunk as well even though I wasn’t even close to tired. It was better than me doing something stupid.
I laid down and he loitered around me. I could feel the sexual energy between us. I felt like exploding. I wanted to jump him. He sat on my bed then I began stroking his arm. I lifted my leg up and over his head, placed my heel on his lower back and pulled him in close. Then he kissed my nipple and started making his way down, kissing me everywhere except my pussy. I was CLENCHING. I was covered in goosebumps. I wanted him so bad. I kept thinking, Why am I doing this?
I know the sexual energy will pass, but why do I keep acting on it? You know, maybe monogamy isn’t for me.
We didn’t kiss or go further, because I was paranoid that Elan and Wake heard us kissing and would tell, so I invited him for a walk. We walked down to the end of Cinder road where it met up with Red road. There, I laid down in the middle of the road. It looked like a full moon, but Emmett said tomorrow night was going to be the full moon. Ivan popped into my mind again, because Emmett suggested we make love under the moonlight in the warm ponds. The guilt swept over me. Emmett kept observing me, telling me how he’s so attracted to me and how sexy I am… that it was torturous.
“Why can’t I just have you?!” he asked then made out with me.
He tasted so good. I loved his pheromones. It kept coming to mind how pointless this is. That we’re just bodies getting wrapped in our biological nature.
Then, he began to finger me. I was moaning because he was hitting my g-spot. Oh God, I loved the rush! I got on top of him as he played with me. We begged each other to keep all of this a secret, even though I very well know that no secret is unheard because all energy is heard.
We walked back to Cinderland. He went to bed with Bliss, his girlfriend, and I stayed up googling away my problems.
In the morning I woke up and I thought about how Ivan was the most perfect guy. He was beyond what I could ask for. He has chosen love every time and he knows I cheated on him three times and STILL chooses to let it go. Just the other day, I thought about how I don’t even have the desire to be with anyone else, so why do I still go out and play with other guys?
I went to the warm ponds for about an hour then hitched into town and ran into Ivan at the natch. Big Jack ran into me in town and gave some dude named Joe and I a ride home. Joe gave us some of his concoction to sip on. It had lilikoi and mint leaves laced with ayahuasca and cocoa. I took a nap in my bunk. In the background Waka was playing some beautiful music on his guitar. It made me feel so at home, nostalgic and innocent. I asked him to please play for a little while longer because the sound was mesmerizing, like that of a lullaby.
I heard somebody say “chips and salsa” so I wrapped myself with a giant blanket and hopped out of bed.
Emmett came to sit by me–he was hammered. He laid his head on me and I massaged him for over an hour. I could tell he was enjoying every second of it. Eventually, everyone went to bed. I went into my bunk as well even though I wasn’t even close to tired. It was better than me doing something stupid.
I laid down and he loitered around me. I could feel the sexual energy between us. I felt like exploding. I wanted to jump him. He sat on my bed then I began stroking his arm. I lifted my leg up and over his head, placed my heel on his lower back and pulled him in close. Then he kissed my nipple and started making his way down, kissing me everywhere except my pussy. I was CLENCHING. I was covered in goosebumps. I wanted him so bad. I kept thinking, Why am I doing this?
I know the sexual energy will pass, but why do I keep acting on it? You know, maybe monogamy isn’t for me.
We didn’t kiss or go further, because I was paranoid that Elan and Wake heard us kissing and would tell, so I invited him for a walk. We walked down to the end of Cinder road where it met up with Red road. There, I laid down in the middle of the road. It looked like a full moon, but Emmett said tomorrow night was going to be the full moon. Ivan popped into my mind again, because Emmett suggested we make love under the moonlight in the warm ponds. The guilt swept over me. Emmett kept observing me, telling me how he’s so attracted to me and how sexy I am… that it was torturous.
“Why can’t I just have you?!” he asked then made out with me.
He tasted so good. I loved his pheromones. It kept coming to mind how pointless this is. That we’re just bodies getting wrapped in our biological nature.
Then, he began to finger me. I was moaning because he was hitting my g-spot. Oh God, I loved the rush! I got on top of him as he played with me. We begged each other to keep all of this a secret, even though I very well know that no secret is unheard because all energy is heard.
We walked back to Cinderland. He went to bed with Bliss, his girlfriend, and I stayed up googling away my problems.
In the morning I woke up and I thought about how Ivan was the most perfect guy. He was beyond what I could ask for. He has chosen love every time and he knows I cheated on him three times and STILL chooses to let it go. Just the other day, I thought about how I don’t even have the desire to be with anyone else, so why do I still go out and play with other guys?