September 13, 2016: I ended up moving to Gary’s for a little bit. He was an older man and often came to Cinderland to hang out. He hung out with Ivan and his friends so I figured he was a cool dude. Things got weird my first night with him, though. We had some smoothies he made and then he goes, “Hey, I know you were a stripper in the past and I wanted to ask if I could pay you to do stuff for me.” He brought up how in the past he would pay women to walk around naked and he would masturbate. Things escalated. He said he would pay me and then told me he had a thing for smells and pheromones and confessed to sniffing my panties when I asked him if he could do my laundry. He said he was obsessed with my body and that he had been fantasizing about me, jacking off to me. He said he dreamt about me. He brought up how he heard me moaning when I was making love with Ivan, and that it was so pleasant. “I was watching you through the mesh screen,” he said. He asked me how often I masturbated, then asked if he could sniff the panties I was currently wearing. “I wish I could be you for a day,” he said, “everybody loves you.” The following day I went back to Gary’s because I needed to talk to him. I said, “Hey, I thought about what you said, but I just don’t feel comfortable with any of this. Being a stripper was one of the worst times of my life and I’m sick of creating the sexual pattern. I am done with it. I don’t need it. And I don’t want to do it out of respect for Ivan. I just love him so much and he has forgiven me so much already.” Gary claimed he understood and reiterated over and over again how he regretted even asking me to do stuff for money. I thought everything was good, so I headed to my bedroom. I started reading my book and I was lying on my stomach to which Gary came in and asked if I wanted a foot rub. “Hell yeah!” I said. As he was massaging me, he asked, “Can you please just think about it some more? Don’t tell me no, just that you’ll think about it. What if you have a change in mind? Is there any sliver of hope?” I said, “No, Gary.” “Ugh,” he moaned, “I love the way you say my name. What if I pay you more? I could give you a bunch of money!” “Gary,” I said sternly, “I don’t care about the money. I don’t need any.” Then he kept asking me to think about it and as he was giving me a foot rub, I thought I felt his penis on me, and so I turned around and asked, “Gary, is your penis on me?” With a guilty look on his face he said, “Yes.” “Gary, this is what I’m talking about. I am a really forgiving and accepting person, but it doesn’t mean that you can take advantage of me like that.” Then he got really down and started apologizing, saying, “I’m sorry, Sativa. I betrayed your trust. I’m a terrible person. I’m sorry.” I told him repeatedly to stop beating himself up. I applied everything I was learning from the course and held a space of love and compassion. I was constantly being reminded that he was innocent and that he did nothing wrong. He said he would drop it but then a couple minutes later he said, “I can be really fast.” “What do you mean?” I asked. “You don’t even have to look at me,” he said, “you can just keep reading your book. It’s just your ass looks so nice.” “Gary, no,” I said, “it’s time for you to learn how to genuinely love yourself. You, yourself, know that you will feel empty continuously seeking external affection.” I told him I was going to bed and so he went to his room. I exited the room to go look outside. It was pouring and there was intense lightning. I had no service. For a moment I actually felt uneasy, seeing there was no where I could go other than into the abyss of the jungle. I took a breath and went to pee. On the way back to my room Gary asked me to please come into his room. “I just want you so bad,” he said, “I need you. I get way more excited than I should when I see you. Can I please just spoon you for a little?” I said “no” and he asked if it was because he was physically unattractive. I told him he associated with the body too much. I said, “You don’t truly need or want me. You’re simply stuck in the illusion of the body. For instance, I’ve been working out a lot, but it’s because I’m doing it for myself because it makes me feel good. I know I’m not going to look like this when I’m 80 and I’m okay with that. I’m detached from it. Same with sex. I don’t need it anymore and knowing that makes me feel much more connected.” He eventually came back into my room to talk and broke down in tears. I let God speak through me. I told him over and over again the truth. I didn’t necessarily know if he was ready for all of it, but I spoke the truth anyway. I watched the way I slowed down my speech and really contemplated the way I wanted to phrase everything. I could see the way he placed himself in an illusion. “Nobody loves me,” he says, “ever since my mom died, nobody has loved me.” “You don’t see or feel that people love you because you don’t love yourself,” I said. He kept crying and then I told him to learn how to enjoy himself, to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. He told me my words irritated him, even though he knew I was speaking the truth and then, as he was crying, I was reminded how we were all children. I saw him as a little boy and at that moment I felt like his mother. A mother comforting hurt her baby. Then his emotions switched and he goes, “I’m just falling in love with you. Can I just marry you? I would love you so hard, I promise you. I’ll give you so much love.” I don’t think he was accepting the message I was handing to him. Anyways, this morning he cried some more. I told him I’m moving to Maya‘s place. Then he begged me to stay some more, saying it was just a hurdle. He said, “I promise I could change. I’ll be your friend, nothing more.” I kept telling him no, packed my shit and headed to Cinderland. He tried stopping me, asking if we could just talk. “I don’t want to talk, Gary,” I said.
Moving Into a Guy’s House and Him Confessing His Obsession With Me
